Classic love tragedy

2012-02-03T19:03:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I feel that I have failed in life. It just feels like people around me are slowly slipping away. Isn't it supposed to be a 2 way thing? So why do I feel so lonely.

Flying off to India in a week

2012-02-02T13:59:00.003+08:00

I am on off till I fly. I want to meet people, catch up with people who matters since I will be away for 2 months. The question is who? Or is there anyone even to meet.

2012-01-29T20:24:00.002+08:00

For now I have placed my birthday up on facebook. I will take it down again before the end of the year. Though honestly, I don't think it will make any difference. Facebook birthdays are only visible on the day itself, for the rest of the year, even if they are there, it's as good as being invisible.

For all the words I can't say openly

2012-01-25T17:01:00.002+08:00

I’m doing something wrong, aren’t I?

But no one ever tells me if I do wrong. So I never know. People just leave, and they don’t say anything, neither do the people around me. And every time that happens, I hate myself a little more. Some say that it’s my fault for not maintaining communications and admittedly I am guilty of that at times. But surely, communications can be the other way round as well right? So why do I never seem to get a random message from old friends asking how my day/life has been? And yet at times when I do make the effort to communicate, I don’t get a reply. In 24 hours, if you can’t find any time to reply a message, it either means that you have work 24/7 or you just can’t be bothered. I am inclined to believe that no one works 24/7, not even a workaholic. When that happens, you don’t expect me to send a second message, do you?

So someone frankly tell me, what am I doing wrong? Or am I just that invisible and dispensable.

Someone say something, even saying that you hate me would feel better than silence.

What's with the sudden spam of pageviews from USA suddenly.

2012-01-20T19:08:00.003+08:00

Just today I got 57 page views coming from USA. Yet in the past 1 year I have gotten almost like no views from people who once knew the existence of this blog.

My ideal birthday

2012-01-15T14:46:00.001+08:00

I want a cosy and warm birthday. I don't need a big party, nor do I need fanciful restaurants. I know I am asking for the impossible, but at least let me dream even if I can't have what I desire.

My ideal birthday is very simple. I want to receive a call at midnight asking me to come down to my house void deck. When I go down, a group of close friends would be down there with a small birthday cake with a candle lit. For me, it really goes to show the effort that was made to celebrate my birthday, and I think I will be very overwhelmed and happy if that were to happen.

But I will be contented with receiving birthday wishes from close friends, because it seems that even that is too much to ask for.

I hate my birthday.

2012-01-13T23:55:00.001+08:00

No one remembers it, and the people I hold close to my heart don't remember either. I am always left disappointed. Do people hate me so much that no one remember my birthday or can't be bothered about it. Aren't I entitled to birthday wishes at least? I don't need presents. I just need the thoughts. Or do I not deserve that as well? It's 5 minutes before the day is over, and the number of wishes I have received can be counted on one hand. Sad is an understatement.

Untitled

2011-01-14T00:20:00.003+08:00

I don't think anyone sees this anymore, and perhaps precisely that's why I am blogging here to vent off all my disappointment and anger.

I think I have every right to be disappointed today, and none of you reading this has any right to ask me why if you can't do the most basic thing a friend can do.

The failure of the middle class society

2010-02-09T00:44:00.000+08:00

When the going gets bad, and all they can think is about themselves. I don’t blame them for having the mindset. But I am an idealist, so I believe this isn’t the way things should be.

Let’s imagine this scenario. This guy is a manager in a small company, and his wife is a housewife. He didn’t earn a lot to make them wealthy, but he earned enough to allow his family to lead a rather comfortable life. Yet, life is never smooth sailing. The financial crisis struck, and his company that was about to be public listed went through a hard patch and lost the confidence of quite a number of investors. Without the capital inflow, the company has no ability to pay its employees, whether they were just workers or perhaps managers; it had barely enough to keep the company running.

For a long time, the workers didn’t receive any pay. Some quit, the others stayed on as they knew finding a job wasn’t easy in this financial crisis. But it wasn’t easy to live for months without pay as most of them don’t have much savings. Then came the festive season, and they still haven’t got a single cent, leaving them broke for the festive season. While people were buying new clothes, shopping for gifts, these workers were working as though they were free labor. Some went to see the manager crying. The manager could empathize with them, but there was nothing much he could do either. He had a flat, a car and bills to pay, and he like them, haven’t got a single cent yet either. There was no way he could produce money at his own free will and help his workers. The only thing he could do, was to try to convince investors to invest in the company once again. But of course his big boss wasn’t helping.

One festive season passed, and yet comes another. The workers were losing hope. More than half of them have quit due to the lack of pay for nearly half a year, the other half was just clinging on, holding strikes at time. But there was simply no money.

The manager also started wondering what he could do to improve the situation. He could have left the company long ago; other companies had approached him and had agreed to give him a managerial role. Albeit perhaps a lower pay, it was still money nonetheless and better than nothing. He always said that it would be irresponsible of him to quit for a better prospect while he left his workers in the lurch.

But his wife wasn’t that understanding. Every month, she asked him where was his pay, and when he told her there was none, she would throw up a temper. She would then take out all the bills - for the flat, for the car, for the electricity etc, and reminded him that for the past few months they had been digging into their savings. He understood his wife concern, but her impatience wasn’t what he needed. He would rather her just shut up, not even daring to try ask her to understand his position.

One day, there was news that the company had a little surplus, and they would be getting a month’s pay. Everyone was happy, for some money was better than none. But good news never last. The pay never came, and when it did, it was only half month’s pay. The workers were disillusioned now. Most quit, some cried to the manager, saying they can’t even feed their own family for the upcoming festive season.

It was a heart breaking scene, but it was something the wife of the manager could never understand. To her, all that mattered was her husband getting a monthly pay, having enough to pay the bills and surplus to save. Could she not see that those workers needed the money more than her family needs it? Could she not understand that if her husband had the ability, he would have dipped into his own savings and paid the workers? No she could not. Living in the middle class society has corrupted her mind with thoughts of money. To her, nothing matter more than money itself.

The manager was becoming more exasperated as the day passes. At work, he faced the pressure of trying to secure a stable income for those workers; at home he faced the pressure of his wife asking for his pay, and asking him to chase his boss for money.

The ending, I shall leave it unwritten. Perhaps, your imagination can take over. I don’t know myself. I don’t want to think about it. But at this point, what matters is not the ending perhaps. It is about the corruption of the middle class society by the notion of money. Yes it is a necessity, but is it everything? Is it worth it to have things/relationships destroyed because of money? Could we not understand that sometimes, there is something more than just pieces of paper/plastic with a number of it? She could not, could you?

History of my blog names, and reasons for them

2010-01-18T22:34:00.004+08:00

loner-never-dies: at year 1, when I was fresh from primary school and all. Looking back, this blog name feels like a total contradiction, especially since I consider year 1 as the year when I was more socialable. But perhaps it was at this point I started entertaining such thoughts of being anti-social.
Darkness of light: at the end of year one, when everything collapsed on me, partially cos I chose it to be. When I restarted blogging for a while, it seems like no matter how many people there were around me, there is still this sense of emptiness. So in a way, how darkness can exist among light.
the-fastlane: my current, non-existent blog. it is a reflection of how we live our lifes. everything moving along so fast that sometimes even when we want to slow down, we can't. Forced by social to move along, we feel trapped.

2009-09-19T15:34:00.001+08:00

I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to move on when the one you love walks away from you. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing

- Neil Gaiman

Can't disagree more actually.

Short note

2009-08-31T20:21:00.002+08:00

I know I have not posted here for a long time. So forgive me. I probably won't have any intention to in the future anyways, not frequently at least.

For now, all I want to say is a big sorry for not being able to attend any RMUN gatherings since March 2009 =(

2009-06-14T02:18:00.001+08:00

All these years, I’ve always been saying “no, I won’t get into any relationships” and stuffs along those line. Before I continue and before you people assume anything, let me put a disclaimer that I am not going to denounce that statement. So people who were thinking that “wow, this guy is finally getting a life”, sorry to disappoint ^^

Ok, but what I will post, is about some enlightenment behind me saying “no, I won’t get into any relationship”. Previously, it was just some feeling which I couldn’t really explain, couldn’t really put a reason to it. But after much thought, and perhaps a series of self-discovery, I’d say I can finally put some logical reasoning behind it.

Remember the few posts I made about friendship and relationship? Yea, we are getting there. It seems unrelated at first. But after much thought, it is probably the reason why I am not getting into relationships.

I’m a simple person, really. And being the simple person as I am, I do not believe that love at first sight can occur. So leaving that out of the picture, and hence making things a lot easier to explain, I thus believe that before getting into a relationship, there must be a period of friendship. And thus here the dilema presents itself. If you get into a relationship with your friend, or perhaps your best friend, can you see that person as a friend again, or do you see that person in a different light, as your boyfriend/girlfriend?

It is ok if the relationship starts off, but what if it doesn’t? Like if you ask your friend to be your bf/gf, and if he/she rejects you, can you, or can the other party view each other in the same light again. On one hand, one will be saying “omg, I asked the person out before, but got rejected…”; the other would be saying “omg, that person asked me out before and I rejected him”. In that case, the friendship will never be the same again, assuming if it even still exists after then. More likely than not, communication will break down, along with the friendship.

So in essence, what I am trying to put across, after a very long story is that, I am afraid I may lose a friend, if I try to get into a relationship. So unless I am 101% sure it’s mutual, I won’t get myself involved in a relationship. How can I make sure it is mutual, or attain the stage where the feeling between the two of us is mutual, shall be a story for another day. Which means not any time soon (:

Friendship vs Relationship

2009-06-11T01:51:00.001+08:00

I didn't write this article, but I've been thinking about this issue. So I guess I shall just post it here.

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

Link is here: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it

This blog shall be updated at least once a month

2009-05-18T00:17:00.000+08:00

I know it's rather inactive. But I am posting somewhere else currently. For more details, ask me personally! Thanks.

Long time no post

2009-05-08T23:41:00.002+08:00

And when I do post again. It won't be a long one. Cos there's nothing to post, at all. I will post if I have anything to say, or any message to leave for non-existent readers of this blog.

It's exams; and it doesn't feel like exams period. 1 more week to survive. Having papers in the afternoon and classroom is freaking stupid though.

I'm probably over with this blog. So I won't be updating it that regularly. Not that many people read this any more I guess. I probably spend more time on facebook than reading blogs now a days. Too lazy to read unless it is really interesting.

Random update

2009-04-17T20:15:00.002+08:00

No I'm not dead, though this blog may be. Class bbq last week was fun. Class is getting mundane though. Oh wells, school life. I have nothing much to say la.

And rawr, I hate it when I know things that I can't do anything about/not supposed to know.

Still surviving

2009-03-29T11:30:00.003+08:00

3 tests hasn't killed me yet, probably it's the results that will. For now. Chem homework rush for next week. I am just too lazy to do anything much.

Living in hostel ain't too bad though, apart from the food. Hmm. 6.5 more months to live in hostel, let's see what's in store.

I quite like the idea of a class shoe though, LOL.

3 tests in 3 days

2009-03-22T14:45:00.001+08:00

Maths on Monday
Bio on Tuesday
Chem on Wednesday

All at 8am. I think this warrants me to say fml rofl. But yea, hell either way.

Retrospect

2009-03-16T11:10:00.002+08:00

The march holidays are here already, time flies I must say. Much have happened and I guess hostel life is pretty fruitful. Living just becomes kinda different in a sense. Spending more time with people, and I guess that leaves me very little personal time. Don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing for now, but it seems working out fine. Those movie sessions, those mahjong games, and those suppers, I guess it will be a routine soon. Not that I am complaining.

I'm getting used to my new class, though I wonder if the opposite is true. But for now, all I can say is that unless we get over our differences, this class will not progress beyond a team of star players. There's much potential, but we need to work for it together. And yes, I am benchmarking against my old class of 301/401. I am not saying things happens miraculously overnight, and just see not much effort in us coming as a class together apart from the customary "class dinner" or "class birthday celebrations". Of course I won't say I'm the oh so active guy that tries to bond the class together, but rather I just sit around and observe. New class sitting plan is amusing though, and I guess it is one step towards class bonding. So I'll just wait and see.

Last week was SSEF, got merit. Can't say I am satisfied, but can't say I am not pleased either. Given the methods used to take the results were fundamentally flawed, I guess we could not ask more. Oh wells, we'll work harder for 2010 SSEF. OSAP was just one funny piece of shit, but oh wells, at least the school gave me the chance, nevermind if MOE didn't. I never expected to get so far. -coughs-

3 tests next week will be madness. But then again that's life. I just hope I don't screw up. (On this note, I must stop using the word "screw up" that much cos it is becoming a generic word for me to use to explain anything that goes wrong, like I wanted to explain to little kids why they can't mix the mixture together. I should have used the word contaminate, but instinct just told me to use screw up, which luckily I stopped myself on time since it was in front of their parents)

Been blogging very less I know. Other than the lack of time, there's also the reason that I have nothing to blog about. Rather I have nothing that I can blog about. Some things are best left inside the mind for me to ponder in silence. I am the person who thinks I know, but actually don't know, but acts as though I don't bother anyway. So what's left at the end of the day is just a lot of question marks.

Going out with RMUN people later. Wonders who's coming though. I miss them haha. =D

OMG!

2009-03-09T17:27:00.000+08:00

Facebook is banned! This is epic! =O

Mariah Carey - Bye Bye

2009-03-07T00:53:00.001+08:00

And yet another nice song, I'm loving my 5800<3

This is for my people’s who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high, we will never say bye

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my people’s who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn’t get it but you kept me alive
I didn’t know why you didn’t show up sometimes
It’s something more than saying, “I miss you”
But when we talked too

All them grown full things separation brings
You never let me know it, you never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There’s so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by

And soon as you reached a better place
Still I’ll give the whole world to see your face
And I’m bragging next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye, bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I’ve done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong that you can make it through whatever
It’s so hard to accept the fact you’re gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by

And soon as you reached a better place
Still I’ll give the world to see your face
And I’m bragging next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye, bye bye

This is for my people’s who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high, we will never say bye

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my people’s who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky ‘cause we will never say bye, bye

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by

And soon as you reached a better place
Still I’ll give the world to see your face
And I’m bragging next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye, bye bye

Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye, bye bye

Life's lessons

2009-02-24T23:58:00.001+08:00

you just have to be nice and kind to others, doesn’t matter if the other party doesn’t appreciate or reciprocate it.

like say hi, asking how are they, or even wishing them happy birthday on the big day.
nvm if they don’t thank you.

just know you did your best in the interest of others.

open words

2009-02-19T14:16:00.004+08:00

Cos things were never easy,
yet be strong we must.

Days ahead are getting more complicated with so many decisions to make, so many commitments, so many responsibilities. I am not stressed, nor am I frustrated, in fact I am finding myself enjoying this year more than ever. Probably it's not because of the absence of parents, but rather the added presence of people who have the same wavelength in thinking.

But it also means more opportunities to face people whom I have a complicated relationship with. As in, schoolmates, not bgr -.- I find myself playing the role of the middleman much too often, and I am finding it increasingly harder to find an equilibrium where I would be comfortable. I am a peacemaker, not someone who'd find conflicts; conflict usually finds me. And when it does, I just slink away from the people involved, not wishing to hurt them as much, but not knowing what other better ways there are. I hate open conflicts, and yes, hate is a strong word, and yet I doubt that is enough to say how much I despise it. So if I happen to get into one, I would just want to get over and done with fast, if not I will break that relationship. I don't like making enemies. So when it happens that people I interact with get into such conflicts easily, it just sucks for me. True, I may disapprove of how certain people do things, but that doesn't mean I will make enemies with them, nor will I bear any grudge against them or something like that. If I had to work with them, I would find a compromise. It's not the first time I am stating it, nor will it be the last. As the year progresses, I will probably find myself being more and more stuck in the middle.

Yet being the middleman is only one thing. I still've to find my place in my class, and probably in others' mind. This class is a team of star players, but whether it can ultimately become a star team ultimately, has yet to be seen. There is potential, but there's much differences to be worked out. Maybe too much. Too cynical, too jaded. This was almost the class that I'd wished for 2 years earlier, but I guessed I placed too much faith in the ability of these people to come together as a class. We are individualistic, too much so, but it's not as though I am in any position to change that, nor would I do anything as much as I might want to.

And there's others too. Like what am I to others in their mind. Blame my nature, but this is, and will forever be the enigma of my life. Sometimes it is just hard to interact with others when you aren't sure how they are thinking. I don't want to give them the wrong impression, nor do I want to hurt them. But sometimes, some thing that you may consider very very trivial can actually hurt the other party alot, even if we had placed ourselves in their positions. And when the other party feels/looks hurt, you don't even know you have done wrong. Human beings are complicated creatures, too complicated for our mind to fully comprehend.

I don't want to, but I've to take that risk, and if anything goes wrong, it's just my bad judgement. But the consequences, one day I will have to face them, though I wish I needn't. Sometimes, something as simple such as a sorry works, yet other times, no matter what you try, it just fails; it's a dead end. Humans are complex, and I don't know what words I can use to describe human relationships.

It's not just a world of procreation, it's a world of dirty underground politics. And me? I am an idealistic peacemaker in this world.

Some things I knew I wished I didn't know, cos I needn't had to know them. But now that I've known them, I need to act as if I don't know them.

I wished I lived in a happy-go-lucky world
But then I would never experience what it is like to live a life

Vday =D

2009-02-14T00:00:00.001+08:00

For all those couples, Happy Valentine's Day!
For all those who are single, like me, Happy Single's Day!

=DDD

Untitled

2009-02-11T19:52:00.002+08:00

This blog is kinda dying. And I am getting lazier to post stuffs up here. Or rather, there's nothing that I would consider worthy posting.

Living in hostel, still leading a relatively happy life. Life's good. But I need more interesting stuff to be entertained. 14th Feb is coming up, maybe I should do my usual post on what to do on Vday, something which I never get a chance to celebrate anyways. I'm lucky I don't face any peer pressure in this aspect =DD

Been staying up late till like 5am to chat with people sometimes. And it's just living out the years of solitude I guess. Hmm. On a totally random note, I wish I would be able to go for pre-u seminar. *crosses fingers*

And on another note, I need to stop forming too much opinions in my head. I know I just keep them to myself, but still, I should just start giving more leeway to people, instead of forming opinion then changing them later hmm..

Rawr

2009-02-01T11:46:00.002+08:00

RMUN outing was <3 again as usual. Pics and facebook.

And... Charisse, put 20 dollars somewhere safe and be prepared to cough up that 20 dollars at the end of my j2 life. I don't know about the others, but no way I will get hitched before J2 LOL. Yea sorry, you just can't place a bet on my lifelong happiness =P

But if it happens, then that will be a different story altogether and I will think of an excuse to cough up then.

2009-01-31T12:59:00.003+08:00

I hate you mosquitoes =(

But I think I'll hate myself more for the fact that I find it increasingly harder to maintain certain friendships. I did no wrong; it was just circumstances.

Life's getting mundane, and I am having lesser things to blog.

But 1 thing I hope people can understand is that I try to treat everyone equally without prejudice, unless you prove to be otherwise. So don't come bitching to me about minor things about other people. Just take it in your stride and sometimes, maybe place them in your shoes. Don't be so critical and have more empathy. While I don't tell it straight in your face, my answers to such critical comments should reflect my stand on it. So don't try to get started, cos I will just give you the same answer each time.

CNY =DD

2009-01-27T01:41:00.002+08:00

I can describe today's CNY in one line. From a loss of 35 bucks to an overall gain of 9.40 bucks in the last 3 rounds.

Epic win =DD Have a enjoyable CNY and remember we all need to check in soon, in like 20 hours time xD

Happy 'niu' year!

2009-01-26T02:10:00.002+08:00

Above all, happy lunar new year to all! All the best in the year ahead, and have an enjoyable time! =D

I feel wasted after reunion dinner cos I watched the channel 8 show until 12mn, then I went to sleep while my cousins and extended family were playing gin rummy. Partly cos I slept at 4am, and partly cos I didnt have much cash LOL. Oh wells.

this is EPIC WIN! LOL

2009-01-24T00:14:00.001+08:00

rofllmao

A moment of quiet thoughts

2009-01-17T01:41:00.003+08:00

I'm trying to do all I can to avoid disappointment by people on my part, but what I got was disappointment by a class. Minor stuff but it says quite a bit. Maybe people need some waking up at times.

But doing enough on my part was never enough, was it?

Still trying to get used to new class. Not that I find any problem with it, just that it lacks the unity of my old class I guess. I admit, I haven't been particularly active in class affairs either, but I am just a lost sheep trying to find my way in this winding maze. The new class is interesting but weird. And I actually wonder who from the new class (or maybe who from nushs) actually reads what I post, not that I would know anyways.

On a side note, the benches outside the hostel admin office is very nice to sit and be alone. Realized it over the 2 days of collecting money. Feels very tempted to make it a routine to sit there everyday from 9.30-10.30pm. I can be loud at times, but I can be very quiet too. I react according to the situation. Actually, maybe I am just sitting there on the bench alone waiting for someone to come. Someone whom I don't know who, but somehow I feel that the person, whoever it may be, will never come either.

I am tired of putting in effort on my part. Just taking a long break perhaps.

Evil proliferated; it's worse than spam or nuclear proliferation =x

2009-01-11T20:40:00.006+08:00

Charisse Tay, the Evil, has so unfortunately called upon all people with a "2" in their NIRC to do this meme, which will probably waste about 30 min of my time, and about 30kb of virtual space.

Answer all these silly questions, if not make you own.
At the end of the quiz tag everybody on your “mutual friends”.

What’s with your LJ name?
Well, I complain this is biased. I have a blog, not a LJ. So anyways, it is the-fastlane.

Do you like boxing that much?
No... Unless you mean putting things in boxes? But no, I don't like that either.

Why do you like cleaning your room out so much?
Er. You think I like cleaning my room? I just keep it in a presentable state by MY standards.

How’s life right now?
Er. I have school, alot of others don't? But I guess life's still good enough. Esp with 2 final fantasy poster overlooking my bed (Thanks Charliki and Terence!)

Do you like parties?
Depends. I don't really like large large parties though. Small group parties are fine.

Do you like being alone?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It all depends. Sometimes I want to be alone cos I don't want to hurt the people close to me by saying something stupid in the spur of the moment, or maybe I need the silence to think. But then, I can't be alone all the while, cos I believe that your life can only be complete if you live for others, in a sense that you care/love others, rather than just be concerned about your own wants.

What do you think of stalkers?
So far I haven't been stalked. So I don't know what to think of them. But seriously, it is more fun to stalk someone you know, then "blackmail" them.. -coughs-

Can you sing?
You know, I don't like Kbox for a reason...

Do you like talking on MSN?
Eh. Why not? It is a good tool to flirt, with people you know or strangers! LOL.

Are you often online?
Quite. So long as I am on the internet, I am online.

Do you like poker?
<3
What other games do you like?
I used to play solitaire showdown too, especially during exam periods! Erms, most games are fine by me.

Do you like cake?
No preference lehs.

Do you like food?
Er. Good food, not hostel-standard. *ahem*

Chocolate or Vanilla?
Erms. Seriously, not preference. So long as it is good ice-cream, assuming it is ice-cream.

Do you like Carl’s Jr?
Not bad, but too expensive to eat it regularly.

Favourite outdoor activity?
Riding, cycling, blading, dunking, hmm not sure!

What do you like doing in your free time?
SLEEP. And er, maybe chat online. Or game. Or go out with friends.

Are you psychic?
I wish I could read minds.

Are you superstitious?
Nah.

Do you have a religion?
Free-thinker.

If you happen to be the last person on Earth, what will you do?
Damn. It's so no fun. I shan't comment further, lest the opposite gender, or maybe Charisse Tay the evil may strangle me.

What do you usually do online?
Blog-hop. Game. Chat.

Are you picky?
Other than ginger and parsley, anything else is fine.

Where would you like to live?
Senstosa cove... Or maybe a private island.

Are you a lover or a fighter?
Neither. Slacker.

Do you like meeting new people?
I don't see why not

Do you like clubbing?
Until I try it, I don't know. Though I get the feeling I may go clubbing to slack off.

Do you drink?
Unless offered, no.

What time is it?
2101

How do you feel?
... At needing to do this meme, but it's better than trying to come up with SIXTEEN random thing

Early bird?
never catches the fat worms cos they are lazy =DD

What’s your favourite expression(s)?
xD, =D, (>'')>, (:

Would you learn another language?
I am lazy. Jap may be interesting though.

Why?
Why what -.-

How do you think you will die?
It's a dark fantasy. A bullet through the heart by a nemesis. Though, I think more practically, I will just shrivel up and die cos of old age or stress, or maybe murdered in cold blood by the evil Charisse Tay, OR have my blood sucked dry by Terence the vampy, OR sentenced to the gallows by Palpy the Emperor.

Are you up to date with current affairs?
Enough to know that Liverpool drew with Stoke City, and that Ukraine and Russia are bitching at each other, and that the Sirus Star has just been released for a ransom of USD 3 million

What do you want to be when you grow up?
No idea. Just be the above average guy, with an above average girl? Hmmm

Do you believe in 11:11?
Don't think so, haven't heard of it until I asked Charisse.

Would you turn back time to change something if you could?
Yes. But that's life. We just move on.

Are you afraid to grow up?
Why would I be?

Woohoo I am done! And it's easier than the 16 random things =D

If you feel like doing this quiz, just do it. And tell me, so that I can read.

Meme (number i don't know what number)

2009-01-10T17:02:00.003+08:00

Directions: Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

16 random things indeed -.- Ok thanks Terence, oh and Charisse.

1) I have not changed my school bag since year 1 (Sec 1 for most of you)

2) I have been in a co-ed school since Nursery (which is 4 years old)

3) I decided to go to NUS High cos its DSA was free at that time, and it is a co-ed school

4) I am a practical joker, though now I have toned down ALOT. But that was how I get to know people -coughs-

5) I love eating good food and I don't really mind spending money on it so long as it is within my current budget

6) I used to be able to send 100 sms to the same person in one day when I was younger, and blow 1000 sms in a month. Now I send like 200-300 a month and it is mostly because of work purposes.

7) The most random call i ever got, and it was from a girl mind you, was at 3am when the person was having chalet. We chatted until like 5am, and continued smsing after that -.-

8) I somewhat enjoy photography, and I like taking people in the most random/unglam position. I call it natural photography. I don't really like people posing for photos, though I know that is important at times to have nice group photos lol.

9) I used to set my msn on busy status cos I don't like the log in/msn conv sound disturbing my music. But I realized I would miss the chance to observe who logs in after sometime, so I gave up and now I set it to online or offline depending.

10) I talk to random online people whom I have never met before, but somehow they added me on msn by accident or something. And sometimes I find it more effective to share my problems with them than my close friends cos you don't have to feel guilty about offending someone since that random person probably don't know any of your close friends or something

11) I enjoy looking and MSN plus event logs, and upon seeing 2 people sign out at about the same time, know each other, and somehwhat have chemistry between each other, conclude that there is something interesting going on and follow up on the "lead" LOL

12) I used to like doing primary school problem sums, and really liked maths. But now upon being exposed to trigo and calculus, don't really enjoy doing it. Rather, doing maths for the sake of it =x

13) My favourite number happens to be 13th. And I don't believe Friday the 13th is a bad omen day.

14) I didn't go out as much before knowing RMUN people. You people rock and will always be so!

15) I don't like doing memes with where I have to think so hard. Just give me 16 questions next time, or even 30! It's easier than thinking of 16 random things related to yourself

16) Avoid getting into any relationship during my high school years. Or rather, avoid actively trying to get into any relationship. I mean, if opportunity comes knocking on my door instead of me looking for it, it will be a different story right?

Phew done. I am not tagging anyone =x

2009-01-08T00:23:00.001+08:00

Due to BAD internet connection, I will do all your memes, and blog whatever relevant stuff only on weekends when I get back home. Sorry guys!

And oh oh, the FF posters look great! Thanks Terence + Charliki =D

2009

2009-01-01T23:49:00.003+08:00

If there is one thing, and only one thing I can wish for, then I'd wish that something, that only one thing, in 2008 didn't happen. But some things are just beyond our control, I guess.

2009 is a new year, yet it doesn't feel that new with all the weariness from closing of 2008 still being dragged into 2009, but that's life. There'd be no resolutions this year, nor do I intend to make any, for the simple reason that they are too self-serving, too altruistic, or too generic. There's no point I guess.

I will just take each day as it comes along and that's me. Wishing everyone all the best in the year ahead.

Edite: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7806776.stm LOL

2008-12-28T18:25:00.002+08:00

but memories are forever, are they not? it's a timeless beauty, forever and ever in our hearts.

this is one of the times when the world falls apart beneath your legs and you don't know what to do.

we blame no one, and we accept reality.
but it was just far too soon.

in a world that doesn't make sense

2008-12-28T01:11:00.003+08:00

this world utterly fails us at times and today is one of the times; so much for ending the year on a high.

the time spent together seems too short, and yesterdays pass too fast. it just feels so, surreal, but not the kind of surreality i was feeling when i left for Korea. everything's happening too fast to grasp, but it's happening. i don't like it, no one does. it's like the things you thought could never happen, happening right before your eyes. i'd say more, but maybe another day.

we could curse the world, we could complain that it's unfair, but nothing is going to change the facts.

once again, i feel so detached from this world. i'd talk to someone, but the first person i would talk to seems to disappear mysteriously - uncontactable.

2008-12-25T15:55:00.002+08:00

screw this. Here i'm in korea feeling very sick unable to eat or drink after taking some korean gingseng tea, feels like my stomach problem is back. There on the other hand, i received notification that one of my classmate is in icu with ruptured blood vessels in the brain. And all these happened on xmas. Thanks man, what kind of screwed up xmas is this.

Someone tell me, what have we done to deserve this? We were just normal people trying to live a normal life, trying to enjoy our xmas. 2008 is going to the dogs i swear.

On a serious note, please let the person in icu be ok. For the sake of the class, you must pull through ok?

2008-12-23T17:14:00.000+08:00

shopping to buy something for gals, is a total pain. I still have no idea what to buy-.-

Ciao!

2008-12-20T19:11:00.002+08:00

Please be informed that the owner of this blog won't be contactable for the next few days until 26th Dec earliest. However if it is very very urgent, try all means to contact me somehow, like emailing, calling, smsing me, involving the Singapore Embassy, or issue an interpol warrant for me LOL.

It feels so surreal, finally taking a plane. Oh wells, on the downside, when I play "I've never" with RMUN people next time, I won't be able to say "I've never taken a plane" DD=

And for the first time since I got a handphone, I won't be able to wish people Merry X'mas via sms since it costs a freaking 72cents per sms -.- Sighs. So maybe this time people will wish me instead =DD. Either way, Merry X'mas in advance! To all, enjoy the festive season while you can!

ramblings in the wee hours

2008-12-19T01:40:00.002+08:00

400th post, and what a post to be. Posting at nearing 2am can never be anything good, but that's beside the point. Been thinking about some stuff, and I actually posted this somewhere already, but I guess I shall post it here as well.

Sometimes when you try to think what is your life all about, you realize that your life alone is practically worthless compared to others, or at least that's how I feel.

Maybe there is something deeper to the statement above. but just from my own perspective, it is just that you won’t care so much about your own life, as compared to caring for other’s lives, cos it is just so pointless caring for yourself. You don't get any gratification from it. Perhaps this is the consequence/upbringing as a single child.

I know there’s a saying that goes save yourself before you save others, but at the end of the day, living in a world alone is just so… dead.

I care for others more than I care for myself, though not always the care is returned, I dun mind, cos that is how i live my life. Knowing that the other party exists, perhaps suffice for me since I always fall through in trying achieve more than that. One can't ask for more. Like, seeing the person you love living and well would suffice, though whether that person can feel your care/love is a totally different story and unimportant. At the end of the day, it is my way of getting self gratification. Cos if you keep doing things for a reason, one day you feel that you won't care/love anymore cos you don't have a reason to. But do caring/loving someone needs a reason?

Or maybe i havent cared enough so others don’t feel it.

This is a weird weird world. Or I am a weird weird person living in a normal world.

Just wee hour ramblings...

FFXIII Versus

2008-12-16T02:12:00.000+08:00

Omg so chio trailer ><><><

MSN Conv =D

2008-12-12T01:16:00.002+08:00

Since Terence is being so quotable, I shall quote him too.

IL Shan; tone, technique, musicality says:
*yeahh
*and i insist you attempt all future descriptions with three words nic
*"the charisse smile"

BlackCrimson i never took the easy path says:
*terence has the charisse smile
*happy?

IL Shan; tone, technique, musicality says:
*WTH
*NO
*i dont i dont i dont i dont i dont

(yea he is so damn cute/kawaii when he pouts. if he were a gal, i would so totally woo her)

BlackCrimson i never took the easy path says:
*i wanted to describe u as cute, lovely and huggable

IL Shan; tone, technique, musicality says:
*hahahahahahahaha

BlackCrimson i never took the easy path says:
*but since u only allowed me to use 3 words to describe
*i do not have a choice right?

So yea people, if I ever have to describe you next time and I use the words "the charisse smile, blame Terence. =D Ok I bet I would pay for having this blog post. But where is the fun everyone tries to blog like xiaxue LOL

Weird weird dream (censored and editted)

2008-12-09T22:50:00.002+08:00

Cutting all the details, it just reads: *inserts girl's name* snogging *inserts guy's name* in an arcade while playing some random racing game. (Don't worry RMUN people, it ain't any of you all. Whether you all know the people involved, that is a different story altogether)

Now into the details. It was before/during/after a random bbq. I was somehow at this arcade too (maybe cos I was bored). Then at this racing game station there happened to be many people. So I was curious and went forward. There was this middle-aged (40+) man with a very disapproving look, and throwing paper balls (wth?!) at the 2 people playing the racing game. This is so random and does not contribute to the dream at all awww. Moves forward a bit, and sees that the 2 were actually a couple snogging each other. Looking at the screen, they were crashing like mad, so I supposed they were more interested in snogging each other than the racing game or something. (One wonders why there are doing it in an arcade anyways, I mean certainly there are more romantic places right?!) The game ends, and this guy in long pants and polo tee steps out, followed by a girl in jeans dress. The guy was giving that type of smiling face (how do i describe! squint eyes, smile, show teeth face?) while the girl was just looking contented or something (with a big big smile, and laughing or something). Either way they just seemed very happy together. I almost went rofl at this moment, slipped back into the crowd. But somehow they saw me. The guy gave me "oh so you were there look" while laughing or something, and the girl acted nonnchalant or something, and even seemed to be proud to be seen kissing with guy in an arcade or something. LOL.

*Dream fades off, i must be laughing too hard in my sleep*

On a slightly related note, kissing can lead to deafness!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7772902.stm

Abigail or Pearl

2008-12-08T00:28:00.002+08:00

Disclaimer: I will probably will butchered for being so random, so erms, please hold your knives or something, especially those with a switchblade =DD Actually I doubt I will get butchered la. On second thoughts it doesn't even seem that interesting, nothing compared to the previous post of glam or not glame But oh wells. I shall just post it.

My friend's comment after viewing my tag:
i wonder if pearl ever gets.. hyper._.
that's a random thought
i mean, when compared to abigail

***

I suppose the ans is yes, but I shan't go into details into justification lest I think I will get pwned. But whether is Pearl more hyper than Abigail, I think that's a different story altogether. Maybe someone can come up with an experiment to test "hyper-ness" =DD

Glam-ness

2008-12-06T20:35:00.003+08:00

One sms started it all off =D The following messages below are all from sms conversations. And we will perhaps better understand the word "glam" from Terence's pov.

My junior: Lol you at chunk fest? I see Terence I think!

Obviously, since my junior could have never probably met Terence before, it must be through those facebook pics(:

Me to Terence: My junior just saw you. She recognizes you from the many facebook pics of you lol!

Terence: Huh omg where?

Me: Chunk fest. You are there, no?

Terence: Yes I am. Omg so everyone remembers me by my unglam shots?!

Terence: See la you RMUN freaks who love unglam shots. I look so glam in every of my own album's shots lor.

Me: It's called natural photography. And I bet my shot of you and pearl with the bubbles pwn all your 'glam' shots at any rate.

Terence: My display picture's the nicest muahaha

*****
Dear readers, for a comparison, I shall post the two pictures here and you all decide which is more glam.

Terence's so called 'glam' display pic, acting cute doing the "oh my" dance move from the korean song "Tell Me" (watch the video on youtube) He's the one on the left btw:

The much more glam picture I was referring to in my sms

Please consider which picture is more glam, and put your thoughts/vote on tag =DD

RMUN Chalet <3

2008-12-03T23:46:00.002+08:00

I think it couldn't have been any less, even though I didn't stay for the last night as much as I had wanted to... It was a great chalet, and probably will forever be! Words don't say enough, even pictures may not be... Oh btw, pictures have been uploaded on facebook, though I didnt have my cam when we went for a walk at changi broadside ><

Thanks Shawn and Charisse for organizing!<3
Thanks Terence, Edmond, Abi, Mag, Aaron, Pearl, Matthias, Nerine, Liki, Akilan!<3
Thanks everyone else!

-I will post more if I have time, if not, just visit facebook!-
(yes terence, go get one dammit =x)

2008-12-01T01:09:00.001+08:00

Yet off again to another chalet, don't miss me again=D
(though I seriously wonder who will ever miss me hmm...)

Letter meme

2008-11-30T11:14:00.003+08:00

Dear Terence,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I dislike you. I think I realized it that night with George Bush and his wife and I saw you carve your initials into Bill Clinton. I’m sure you’re ashamed enough to understand that Santa doesn’t exist. I’m returning your couch cushions to you, but I’ll keep your suicide note as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when i think of to hate the Bolton Celtic

Greetings to your freaky family,
Nic Yeo

****

You know it would be better if it reads:

Dear Terence,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I dislike you. I think I realized it that night with George Bush and his wife and I saw you carve your initials into Bill Clinton. I’m sure you’re ashamed enough to understand Charisse will be disappointed that you are gay. I’m returning your vial of blood to you, but I’ll keep your suicide note as a memory. You should also know that I do not approve of you carving your initials into Obama.

Greetings to your freaky family,
Nic Yeo

(Something tells me that i am going to die)
Tagging no one -.-

****
Do the “Letter Meme”.
Tag no less than 5 other people. Then copy the “How-to” Letter Meme, and finish your Journal entry.

Dear (the last person who left a comment on your journal):

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4) (5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) (11).

___12___,
-Your name-

1. What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’ll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn’t match
Grey - You’re a pervert
Yellow - I’m selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You’re a loser
Other - I’m in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kabob - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women’s clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
None of the above - With George Bush and his wife

4. What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive out

5. What’s the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United’s goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - Man
O.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - High
House - Scarred
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Mongolic
Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
None of the above - Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I’ve felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn’t exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we’re cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I’m allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I’m open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of your blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David’s tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Always will remember
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Screw off now
France - In pain
Other - Greetings to your freaky family

Class chalet <3!

2008-11-27T23:34:00.003+08:00

Thanks for all who came =D It might be our first class chalet, but it was definitely fun!

I shall skip most of the mundane details, as well as one part which involves a conspiracy theory for pragmatic reasons.

So first day when check in, it was mostly card games/console. Throughout the whole chalet, I daoed the consoles, and played card games. Bridge ftw! (I learnt how to play go fish anyways, LOL). Dinner was settled at changi village, and the food there is suprisingly good.

After dinner we went for night cycling. 8 bucks a bike for one whole night until 10.30pm the next day is quite a good deal. So we started off at `bout 9pm, and mind you, from Changi, we took like 2 hours only to reach ECP macs, which includes the 7km airport runway. So yea, we were traveling hell fast, a little too fast for an unfit person like me. So either way, we made it until Marine Parade, before deciding to head back to our chalet. Before that we already had 3 casualties, but oh wells.

Heading back was rather disastrous though. Not long after we turned back, and us being us, deciding that taking the old route back would be boring, so we decided to take a new route back to chalet. Bad decision. The rain decided to pay us a visit at such a time when we are out in the open with no shelter in sight. Instead of slowing down, we decided to speed up instead to find the nearest shelter. I swear I could hardly see with the rain in my eyes. Then we proceeded to cross the overhead bridge and the rain stopped -.- By then, we thought we were on the right track, but probably we were wrong. Shortly after crossing the overhead bridge, the person in front of me lost balance, but didn't fall. So instead of braking, I decided to turn left into the sandpit to avoid the person, and lo and behold, there was a bump, and I fell down and had a couple of abrasions on my knee. So yea, I was the 4th casualty. So either way we proceeded on, until one of my classmate insisted that I stop so that I can treat my wound. So our impromptu class first aider treated my wounds, which is basically just pour water over and clean it. Thanks Elaine anyways, even though it was just a minor abrasion (:

So we proceeded on. Until, we decide that half the class cmi, and decided to stop at 7-11 for a break, and probably the last break. After that, we cycled for another 20 min. By then we were beside the Kallang river, and unfortunately on the wrong side. So we turned around, and cycle to the other side, during the process which one of us, was rather fatigued, and so when one of our classmate asked whether she was ok (since she wasn't cycling properly), she just lost balance and fell. 5th casaulty of the day. By then we were probably totally lost, and with so many injuries, esp the last one which was fatigue, we decided to stop under a HDB. 2 of us went to scout the route back, and another 2 went to 7-11 to get supplies (e.g. water and first aid stuff). So all these took about an hour. After which we continued on - to find that in order to reach back to the chalet, the only way it seems is to travel by ECP, which is a big round about. Decided that we will take the risk, go by the roads, and folllow bus paths instead of trying to go via park connector. Another 1.5h, plus me stopping halfway cos I was tired and so were a few others, and we were finally back at the chalet.

30-40km worth of cycling. Wth man... Ok la, but it was enjoyable.

The next day was mainly mahjong, cards, going out to eat, movies. Yada. We were all tired. And yes, I am lazy to post anymore than this.

2008-11-25T01:47:00.001+08:00

Off to class chalet in a few hours time!
Don't miss me =DD

Silence of the night.

2008-11-20T00:19:00.003+08:00

I should get down to updating the layout on my blog soon, though I think I am too lazy for that. Oh wells. At least I do try to keep it alive by updating. I mean there is no point in me updating about me going to NUS, doing my research work, ranting about how the product refused to be synthesized. Yet on the other hand I am forbidden to upload certain pics on my blog for entertainment purpose aww.

So here goes, in the silence of the night, while I try to think about the past, the present, and the future.

2008 was full of ups and downs I suppose? One moment I was on a high, next moment I sank to the bottom. But I guess that's how life works, or maybe it's just Murphy's law. In 401, I found a class spirit that has been missing for the past 3 years. I know out class had existed since 2007, but it is only this year that we really made it felt like a class. But for that one year wait, it was all worth it. True we go overboard at times, true we piss our teachers off at times, but we work together as a class and play together as a class and that's what matters most. There wasn't any sort of backstabbing within our own class, and basically, we just functioned as one. So thanks very much 401! There can be no regrets. As the saying goes, "if you aren't in 401, you deserve better" LOL

So there goes. Additionally, I had also get to know more people from my school on a more personal level perhaps. There are some people who actually surprised me by being so open minded, or having a deeper side that I never thought exist in them. So it really instils the value of "don't judge a book by its cover" into me. I am glad I knew these people, and maybe I was so blind for the past few years. And more still, I have came to be enlightened about how I misunderstood other people. I mean, I don't know why, but sometimes I just get the feeling that these certain people hate (maybe dislike, hate is too strong a word) me, and I am afraid to start coversations with them, despite how we might be friends in the past. But somehow, this year, throwing caution to the wind, fooling about, I somehow discovered things were as I thought. Or maybe I am current under the assumption that things were not as bad as I thought, but no matter how, let's keep it this way. It has been a long time coming, and it's probably time to break the ice.

Then of course, there was RMUN 2008. A total blow away. I admit, before RMUN 2008. My world was a much smaller place. But RMUN 08 forced me to reach out to others, work with them, and beyond that, form new friendships. Frankly, when I went into RMUN 08, I never expect to leave with something more than I bargained for - a whole new dimension in my life. Never did I expect to meet with people from other councils, neither did I ever expect to form friendships with them. But it all happened, and I hope this will really last a long long way. I will never trade anything else for this RMUN experience, for I doubt anything can ever replace it. The whole punch of you, thanks loads for enriching my life! <3 ya people.

Yet, if good things lasted forever, they won't be called good things. Obviously there were some bad things. Or so called. There were some heartwrenching moments, moments of feeling betrayed, stressed up. Yada. Yet all these don't hold a candle to the above 3 events I have mentioned. They are more than enough to make up for the downsides in my life this year. I don't even think these "bad things" are worth mentioning cos I have already forgotten most of the details, cos my mind is just oozing with all the "good" things that have happened for this year. 2008 has been a sweet year so far. The end to this year is near... I wonder, will there be a crescendo? I shall await.

I'll try to make this the perfect year, for myself, and for others perhaps. You will have to wait, cos you don't exist yet =D

***

The silence of the night has been broken.

I went to Francesca's blog (taking hint from RMUN outing last sunday), and what I saw just makes me jawdrop. It was a msn conversation between Terence and Francesca anyways.

Gosh! Terence I didn't know that! (And no I am not going to reveal what it is here. It is nsfw!)

Dinner Outing.

2008-11-16T23:59:00.003+08:00

I am feeling lazy. Maybe I will blog about it more tomorrow. But for now.

Thanks for a great day people (despite it was only for a few hours)! And erms, photos up on facebook! (Since I am forbidden by the crown princess to put it on my blog due to certain reasons. but actually i can just use crown princess to refer to you in my blog LOL!)

*censors any other comments i may have about over dinner -coughs-*

Hectic lifestyle starts tomorrow =/

I.actually.survived.

2008-11-15T14:30:00.002+08:00

Actually, I knew I would survived this semester when I got back my final results on Wednesday. It's just that I didn't want to give myself too much hope lest I suffer a bigger disappointment should anything thing to the contrary happened. Oh wells, it's finally over. But how many times I can live my life in NUS High by surviving by just a little margin, by my expectation of course.

So holidays are here, which means my days for research are here too. And so are the little enjoyments in life during the hols(:

2008-11-11T23:43:00.002+08:00

he clutches his gun tightly, fear quickly descending upon him
aiming into the darkness that surrounds him
trying to find his enemy he knows exist but cannot see
another shot rang out into the silence
a bullet finding its way into his hand; the gun falls out of his hand easily
on his knees and disarmed, he awaits the inevitable
then suddenly a ray of light in the darkness

frankly, i am losing confidence with every passing minute. i am not getting my marks where i need them, and i am making too many mistakes. will i live to regret this moment, or will i be killed by the insanity of this very moment itself?

2008-11-10T15:52:00.003+08:00

the lull of silence; a false sense of self-confidence.
then a shot out in the silence, and a bullet grazing the knees.
he fell over.

maybe it is just utter overconfidence on my part this time. just the first day of script checking, and it totally killed my mood, and along with it my heart. it wasn't just below expectations, it is far below expectations. the important papers which i expect to do well, didnt. and the not so important paper which i didn't expect to do well did relatively ok. but this is no consolation, it just goes to show how much more screwed up it is. now i don't dare to speak for my other papers already. i am scared, just scared. this is a nightmare repeating itself. it's not about grades, it's about expectations.

***
with every passing moment, i believe that i bear a curse, and that i am jinxed.

Hmmm

2008-11-07T18:19:00.002+08:00

Besides the fact IRS (GEP presentation) was largely a bore, and that our school might have overkilled by sending three sec 4 teams along with one sec 3 team while the other schools were sending sec 2-3, or even sec 1, one other thing struck me largely. What has the GEP education in our education system doing?

Let me give you some background information of what happened during the IRS, which is incidentally for GEP Primary school and Secondary school. The presentations for the secondary schools went rather fine, but I don't think I can say that for the primary school... During one of the presentation on water safety, some GEP dude made a remark that his survey found out that GEP students are more aware of water safety than mainstream students. Then the judge asked him why is it so, and he blatantly replied, "Because GEP students are smarter." Look don't get me wrong here. I have nothing against the GEP program nor students per se, but when such elitism kicks in, it really pisses me off. Does the GE program in our education system breeds a mentality that students in the GE program are necessarily better and smarter than mainstream students? And even if that is the case, do they have the right to carry the status around and brag it like it is their rights. To complicate matters, they are only pri 5. No, I am not saying that ALL GEP students are like that, but from the IRS presentations, majority of them certainly gives me such an impression. It makes we wonder what our future generation will be like. Maybe GEP should include a program to humble these kids a little.

And if any of you think I am just against GEP, no. I have a couple of friends from GEP and I can vouch that they aren't elitist or whatever. And it wasn't that prevalent during my time either. I am just wondering what has the GE program been inculcating in our future generation. Whatever the purpose of GEP, if it is breeding elitism among our younger generations, then it defeats its purpose.

The origin of pervertness and horniness

2008-11-06T20:17:00.005+08:00

Now we are talking =D Latest understanding into why Terence is so horny and why Charisse is so pervy.

From Facebook Nations: Older citizens have come to you complaining about the level of PDA, or Public Displays of Affection, which they notice among the teenage population. They complain that such behavior is unacceptable in public places, and is creating a generation of perverted, horny citizens.

I shall, erms, neglect posting proof of why Terence is horny, cos I think by posting this much already warrants my death sentence. Oh dear. And there is no need to prove that Charisse is perverted; it is a fact of life.

***

Class outing yesterday! Cheese Prata! Prank calling someone and someone! Quantum of Solace! Vivo Rooftop! Ok that is how it goes about for my day yesterday. Quantam of Solace was however a little tad disappointing. Not enough glimpses of the Aston Martin, storyline which has gaps here and there, continuing from Casino Royale which I didn't watch and thus didn't understand what the story was about until half way, too little interaction between James Bond and the girl LOL. And damn, throwing your dead friend body's into a bin and taking his money is not exactly the way I'd fathom James Bond to treat his friends. Oh, and I wonder how much oil they wasted trying to cover that other girl that was murdered in BLACK CRUDE OIL. Lastly, leaving a person in the middle of the desert, with a bottle of motor oil, is hmm, interesting.

Loveless (FF7 CC)

2008-11-04T01:14:00.001+08:00

Prologue (Poem)
When the war of the beasts brings about the world’s end
The goddess descends from the sky
Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting

Prologue (Interpreted)
When the war of the beasts brings about the world’s end
The goddess descends from the sky

Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting

Act I (Poem)
Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
We seek it thus, and take to the sky
Ripples form on the water’s surface
The wandering soul knows no rest.

Act I (Interpreted)
The infinite mystery
The gift of the goddess is what the three men seek
But their fates are scattered by war

One is taken captured, one flies away
And the last becomes a hero

But the three are still bound by a solemn oath
To seek the answer together, once again

Act II (Poem)
There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds

Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh

Act II (Interpreted)
Though the prisoner escapes, he is gravely wounded
His life is saved, however
By a woman of the opposing nation

He begins a life of seclusion with her
Which seems to hold the promise of eternal bliss

But as happiness grows, so does guilt
Of not fulfilling the oath to his friends

Act III (Poem)
My friend, do you fly away now?
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow

My friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess

Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return

Act III (Interpreted)
As the war sends the world hurtling towards destruction
The prisoner departs with his newfound love
And embarks on a new journey

He is guided by hope that the gift will bring bliss
And the oath that he swore to his friends

Though no oath is shared between the lovers
In their hearts they know they will meet again

Act IV (Poem)
My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess

My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber

Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely

Act V (Poem)
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return
To become the dew that quenches the land
To spare the sands, the seas, the skies
I offer thee this silent sacrifice

-wiki Final Fantasy

Wootz

2008-11-03T23:22:00.002+08:00

Exams are over =D Last paper today.

Can I say anything more? Probably, but I don't feel like hmm. On a high now. So much to do, but just lemme enjoy this respite. I need a breather, and this is it. I am free!

going at 180 miles per hour, nothing stops me now(:

I actually wrote this...?

2008-11-02T23:04:00.003+08:00

I was searching through my archives. Then I found something which I wrote 2 years ago and never got down to completing it. I am like, "woah, I was that bored to write this last time". I won't say it is any good, but oh wells. At least I have something to post.

Somewhere out of the gloom, a clock struck twelve, signally the lateness of the hour. Not a single shadow was to be seen, needless to say a soul. The empty streets and cold aura that came along naturally with it told much of the lonely state of the deserted town. A faint glow from one of the still standing houses filtered through the trees before reaching his eyes.

It was a bitter snowy night, the chilly winds bit into his bones and danced with his crop of hair in a rhythmic pattern. Anyone in his right mind would seek shelter, yet he stood there, oblivious of his surroundings. The sub zero temperature apparently did not have any effect on him, a hardened man. The silvery moonlight reflected off his face, highlighting the many scars on it. Each telling a story of the many daunting dangers he had faced in his life time. One could tell his bulging veins and rough hands that he led a life of hardship. With a coat of tan skin, added on with his muscular figure, anyone that saw him would have a certain sort of respect for him; admiring his physical attribute.

From his position, he looked down at the ruins of the house right below the cliff. A wave of memories rushed over him. It seems to him, everything that took place many years ago just happened yesterday…

He was a young innocent boy then. Life was a perfect for him. His father was a dedicated farmer working his hardest for the benefit of his family; his mother, always by her husband side to give him moral encouragement and support in the hardest of time. His life, although not rich, was fortunate as compared to the other children of his time. All was a perfect picture, until one day it was shattered when his father returned home with a look registered on his face no one had ever seen. He remembered the exact words his father said then in a deep, grave tone, “We are at war. With our neighbouring country. We will leave for safety of the mountains tonight” The frowns on his father’s face clearly expressed his concern for his family members then, especially his only son.

They were living near the borders and would most certainly be the first targets in the case of an invasion. However he was too young then to understand all these. All he knew was that something was not right from the story his father’s eyes told. Anxiety and fear were evident throughout the household, their faces told it all. Cloths strewn everywhere; the stables empty; and all edible food items removed from their respective places in the kitchen into their new home in the old family horse cart. Such was of that his family’s actions. Also gone from its rack was an old but trustworthy musket.

Then came the clearest of his memories, forever etched in his head, of which he would never forget till he took his last breath. Looking, at the ruins once more, the memories kept replaying in his mind. His vision became blurred as he once again enter history…

It was on a night like this, the snow was falling heavily, causing the surrounding to be that of a milky white under the moonlight, looking so pure. Usually when he peeped out of his window, all he could see was but the faint glow of the fire places in his neighbours’ houses, giving the town a cosy feeling; the place to reside in during such a cold blizzard. At times, a shadow could be seen behind his neighbour’s window, no doubt another kid around his age.

That night, he took a last look through the window which had bore his presence for the past 6 winters. The scene before his eyes then was one that looked strangely unfamiliar to him. No faint glow were to be seen from his neighbours’ houses, neither was there any shadows behind the windows. It was just so different. Also, the usually quiet roads were bustling with life. He could hear the muffled voices of his playmate. Quite some time passed before the image registered in his brain, and that he accepted life was never going to be the same again. He lowered his head and muttered a prayer, in hope that everything would pass soon enough.

“It’s time to leave.” A gruff voice he heard so many times entered his ears. This time though, it was accompanied by heavy breathing of his father trying to calm himself. He sensed the apprehension in his dad, a first. Heaving a sigh which represent the hopelessness that he seemed to face before him, he took one last glance at the place he called home before stepping out of the door into the icy arms of the weather. The wind blew hard, making visibility poor on top of the freeze that is slowly seeping into everybody’s veins.

Sitting on one of the horses with his mother; his father on the other pulling the cart along with the musket slung across his shoulders, the family was on their arduous journey towards the mountains with the many other residents of the town. With much curiosity, he asked, “Ma, why are we leaving the comfort and warmth of our home for the cold mountains lurking with danger? You once told me that carnivorous animals inhabited that place.” His mind wandering to the realms of the hungry wolf packs and the ferocious lions.

His mother thought for a moment before answering back, “You are too young to understand all this. One day you will understand why, now is not the time.”

“But ma…” He protested before dropping it, knowing that it will get him no where. “What is that loud rumbling sound by the way?” Never hearing the sound of an engine before in his life time.

His father overheard the conversation and strained his ear against the loud wind blowing at him. At first, he thought it was a government official’s car heading for the town to give evacuation notice, hence dismissing it. But something in his head told him it was not right. This time, the rumbling sound got louder. Too loud to be a car. He smelt a rat, but could not understand the circumstances before him. Out of the blue, realization struck him with horror. The rumbling sound was that of many vehicles, not from the government, but the enemy’s. His stomach knotted, attention turning towards of the many people around him, especially his wife and son. Without a moment’s delay, he bellowed, “The enemy is here, run for your lives!!!” Echoes of it was heard all around the town. A stunned look appeared momentarily on the people’s faces, followed by the shuffling sound of feet.

Cracking his whip, his father spurred his horse to move faster, his mother following suit. Chaos broke out among the people. Some that were still packing their belongings dropped their stuff, and quickly got onto their horses. Neighing of horses rang out into silence of the night; the cracking of whips and sound of hoofs against the rough ground soon followed. Dust erupted everywhere. He wondered what was going on.

Their efforts to flee the enemy soon proved to be futile, as the enemy soon caught up without much effort. Encircling the fleeing residents, it was soon becoming a rout. Imagining his son and wife being tortured was too much for him to bear, as well the town people he had grew up with. He made a fateful decision, a risk, a battle he was certain of losing. “I grew up in this town and shall die with it. If it means losing my life to save my wife and son, as well as many other innocent people, so be it.” Wheeling about, he gave a battle cry. The warrior in him was soon evoked. After all, he was a war veteran who had fought with his government once to quell the rebellion. Unslinging, the musket about his shoulder, he fired his first shot. Somewhere out there, a muffled cry rang out.

Seeing their once-commander sacrificing his life for the sake of the town people, the men that once fought alongside him all forgot about fleeing. Taking out their arms, they formed ranks and fired volleys after volleys into the incoming enemy. Cries of distress rang out, and soon return fire from the surprised enemy.

“No dear… I don’t want you to lose your life! I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you!!!” His mother yelled; the emotions clear in it. His father, looking haggard with the unkempt hair and fraying clothes, knew although as much he wanted to be with them, he could not bear to lose them either. With much difficulty, he replied in short, swift pants, “I do sincerely want to be with you all, but the circumstances here sadly do not permit. Flee for the mountains together with our son, knowing that you all are safe is more than I can ask for. Do not fail me in this, and I shall know I have not died in vain…” Voice fading away as he turned his concentration back to the battle on hand.

His mother slowly came to understand her husband’s good intentions. Vision blurring, she wheeled about to bid her last farewell to her husband of ten years. She prayed that he would return alive and well, but deep down, she knew he had never make it. It was a noble sacrifice, he and those men. Leaving reluctantly, she headed for the mountains with her son, to safety, not wanting to disappoint him.

Suddenly a cry so familiar entered his ear, and apparently his mother’s, for both of them shifted their sights towards the source of the sound simultaneously. A bloody sight greeted them. The head of the family they once knew so well, almost became a stranger to them that instant. The enemy had gained the upper hand and was now rounding up those who had resisted against them. His father was one of the first. Tying him to a tree, the enemy troops raised their rifles, bayonets gleaming against the moonlight, and stabbed him repeatedly. Blood gashed out from his wound, mutilated he was now. As a final cry of victory, one of the soldiers raised his sword and severed his head. The snow around him, once white, was now bright crimson, having dyed by the pool of blood.

He knew something was not right, quavering; he clung tightly to his mother body. He was frightened. The loud noises, in addition to the gore in front of him, scared him so much that he could not even release his emotions. The sight was too much for his mother to bear also. She knew all hopes of seeing once more was dashed; like a glass shattering into many pieces. Wailing loudly with tears flowing free down her cheeks, she contemplated ending her life to join her husband by her side. However, she remembered her husband’s last words. “Do not fail me in this, and I shall know I have not died in vain…” Keeping that in mind, she knew she could not disappoint him, having sacrificed his life. With the mission of bringing her son to safety, she unwillingly overcame her emotions, and rode off into the mountains, never looking back once more. “Ma, the cart?” he asked. “We do not have the time to take it, so we are leaving it behind.” She replied in a voice devoid of emotions.

All throughout the journey, he and his mother remained silence. Only the sounds of the rustling of leaves against the occasional gust of wind could be heard. The silence gave him the creeps, making the hair on the nape of his neck stand. Many a times, he swore he saw a pair of brightly-coloured eyes staring at him through the thick, leafy hedges alongside the dirt road. Afraid he might be, and as much as he wanted to seek comfort from his mother, the expression on his mother’s face showed that she wished to be left alone. Young he might be then, but he still understood his mother’s privacy for her room of thoughts. He tried sleeping his fear away, but every time he closed his eyes, flashes of his father being stabbed and then decapitated ran through his head, terrorizing him even more. There was simply no peace of mind for him, such an innocent boy.

Out of the blue, a deep and low growl broke the silence, followed by rustling of the bushes and a thud not far from them mother and son. Although there was almost no light, the silhouette of a tiger was obvious to the both of them. Moonlight reflected off its sharp canines, causing it to be menacing than ever. He cowered in fear, beads of perspiration trickled down his cheeks; his palms sweaty. His mother felt the fear in him, but did nothing to comfort him. In a quiet tone, she simply said, “Stay still”. Through the faint moonlight, he could see the tiger crouching, preparing to pounce on them. Without warning, it leapt; claws drawn and ready. As quick as lightning, his mother grabbed the razor-sharp dagger by the side of the horse and plunged it into the tiger just as it was inches away from sinking its claw into its victim. With a loud thud, it fell. Moaning, it tried to get up in a futile effort. Breathing hard, it rolled over and remained motionless.

He sat behind his mother all this while, frightened into silence. He was just relieved that he survived the ordeal. His usually inquisitive self failed him at this instance. Expecting his mother to say some words of comfort at this point of time, he was disappointed she just hung the bow back onto the saddle, and whipped the horse to continue on its journey, as if nothing had happened. The silence was deafening. Never in his life had he felt so alone. It seemed as though he was invisible to his mother, or at least his feelings were. Usually his mother would hug him close and told him not to worry under such circumstances. But today, there was none of this. It was a very different her, almost a total stranger, but he knew better to remain silent than to ask her the reason behind it.

His stomach rumbled. They had not taken their dinner before fleeing for the mountains. Peering at the hands on his watch, it showed the time to be eleven at night. He usually slept at ten. Rubbing his tired eyes, he let out a yawn filled with so much emotions that it did not take attentive person to understand. His mind tormented, not preventing him from entering slumber land. Even the faint moonlight disappeared behind those dark clouds, signifying the bleak situation before them. The journey to the mountains seemed like eternity. In his young and vibrant mind, he secretly wondered when they would stop. After all, throughout the mountain is but the wild teeming with danger.

Before he could ask his mother, his question was answered by the dark shape of a building with something like a halo around it appearing before him. As they got closer to it, he realized the halo was caused by the burning torches surrounding the building. This had to be the safe place his parents were talking about. So there was a building in a place like this in the wilderness. It was beyond his imagination.

Moving up to the entrance of the building, it was guarded by two burly men holding something that resembled his father’s musket. They spoke something so rapid that he could not comprehend to his mother. Taking out some papers, his mother showed them to the guards. Pouring through it contents, and apparently satisfied, they gave a brief nod to us and ushered us inside.

They were welcomed by the aroma of stew, making his stomach rumble even more than it already was. Setting down their things in the tent they were assigned to, his mother told him to not to move about and wait for her before disappearing, breaking the long silence between them. But it made little difference to him, especially with the absence of his mother. His imagination ran wild, thinking of a lion devouring him one moment and a wolf breaking his limbs apart the other, forgetting momentarily that he was in a building and no longer in the wild. A sudden movement from outside frightened him out of his wits, only to be relieved that it was his mother. Seeing the hot steaming bowl in her hands, he could not have been less grateful. “I know you are hungry, here is some food to relieve your hunger.” Said his mother in a warm voice, giving him reassurance that he was safe with her around. He had never felt so much love from his mother before, and despite the freezing temperature outside, he felt ever so warm. Taking the bowl from her hand, he tucked in. It seemed to him, the best meal he ever had, eating away all worries from his head. Within minutes, he emptied the contents of the bowl. Lying snuggly in the corner of the tent and with his mother’s warm hands on his shoulders, he soon forgot about the day’s event and fell asleep.

**********

The rays of sunlight filtered through the canopy above his head, proving the thinness, as well as the many holes of the tent they were in. Rubbing his eyes, he got up on his feet slowly but steadily. He found his mom sleeping soundly to the other side of the tent. He tip-toed he way out of the tent, careful not to make any sound lest he wake his mom from her much deserved rest. Breathing in the cold, crisp air, he got a clear look of his surrounding for the first time since he sat foot. All around him was many look-alike tents. It looked like an encampment. He was sure the people inside them were here for the same reason as he was, for the safety it provides. Some of the occupants were already up, walking about the compound carrying firewood and laying them down in front of their tents. Not far apart from where his tent was, a group of children was playing hopscotch, reminding of the times he used to have not too long ago. He was tempted to go over and join them when he heard his mother’s worried voice calling out for him.

Running back into the tent, he responded to his mother’s call with an innocent “Yes ma?” Seeing her son safe and sound, she was relieved. Making her stand clear to him, she said in a strict voice, “Do not wonder about anywhere on your own around here, it is not your house and you may get lost. I do not wish for that to happen, you understand me?” Seeing his mom meant business and was concerned about his safety, he muttered “Yes,” in a deflated tone.

Satisfied, she signaled her son to follow her and went out to collect the rations they were allotted to: A packet of rice, three boxes of matchsticks, a cooking pot, some dried food stuff, some warm clothes, a bucket, an axe and… That was all. “Damn, how is this going to last us for a month?” He thought quietly to himself. He had overheard the conversation between his mom and the man in charge. Looking behind his mother’s eyes, he saw the same anguish in it. Just as he was about to let loose a barrage of questions, his mother raised her hand to stop him and headed back for their tent.

On the journey back, thousands of unanswered questions bombarded through his mind. He remembered back at home, a packet of rice could only survive them for half a month or so. Also gone was the fresh food. He remembered his father being fond of them and wondered how he would respond to the lack of it, not to forget that he is a big eater too. He was so deeply in thought about his father’s reaction that it took him a whole minute before he realized that his father did not exist on this earth anymore. Tears filled his eyes once more as thoughts filled his mind. “Why must there be war? By what rights do they have to take away the life of my father? Why is life so unfair? Why? WHY?!?!”

His mother saw the tears in his eyes and understood the pain behind them. She said in voice so full of hatred and anger, “They did it out of greed, they are devoid of moral values and are not deemed fit to be humans. Those son-of-bitches had cruelly murdered your father and many others I believe; they deserved no less than death for their part in such an atrocious crime. How many more innocent people are to die under their hands? I know not, but we definitely must avenge the humiliation and hardship those bastards had brought upon us. Only their blood will satisfy our thirst.” The fire behind her eyes, the loath in it; alongside with tears, the anguish and grief; were crystal clear. He listened attentively to his mother’s every word and nodded in agreement, enlightened; making a silent vow he would avenge his father’s brutal murder.

Reaching their tent, they dropped their rations in them and prepared to head out for the wild to chop dry wood to start a fire to cook their food as well as to keep them warm from the freezing temperatures. Walking out of the gates by which they entered this place, they found that most of the trees near the encampment were felled already, much to their dismay. They had to walked a quarter of a mile out before they found suitable dry wood. His mother axed them into smaller pieces while he tied them into neat bundles. Even so, the amount they had was minimal and could not last for more than a week. Looking across the barren land, all she could see were the stumps of fallen trees. There was simply not enough for them. The cold was getting the better of them, their lips dried and cracked. She decided against going deeper to look for wood; considering the factors; and returned to the encampment with her son to seek the warmth there.

Upon walking through the gates, cries of his mother’s name echoed through his sharp ears. His mother, was apparently to deeply stuck with her thoughts that she did not took notice of it. Shaking her hand, more violently with the passing seconds, he finally got her attention and told her that someone was calling out for her. Surprised as it was not a voice she recognized, she wheeled about and was greeted by the stout man, with star pinned to his uniform, showing that he is quite a high ranking army personnel, which is further confirmed by his opening speech.

“Mrs MacDermot, General Iverson here. Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was once under my command. Fine and splendid soldier he is. Got promoted to lieutenant because of that. He died a brave and courageous death. Did the country proud, he did. Flags are at half mast in honor of him. And here’s something to recognize his efforts.” Stretching his hand out, he passed her a star-like object. “The Medal of Honor, the highest award for valor in action against an enemy force. Take it, your husband deserves that and even more. Once this war is over, we will create a memorial in name him of his heroism. It is a grief to all of us over here that he has to go…” His voice breaking, unable to continue; emotions overtaking him. Taking out his handkerchief , he blew his nose and dried his red and swollen eyes. “Shall I give you and your son a tour of this place? I am sure your son will enjoy it.” Clearly trying to break away from the previous topic.

Touched by his sincerity, and knowing it would satisfy her son’s curiosity at any rate, she accepted the invitation. Motioning to General Iverson to give them time to lay their stuff down back at their tent; he obliged and waited for them outside their tent. They stacked the bundles at the corner of their tent before heading out into the open, not forgetting to quench their thirst before hand.

Leading the way, General Iverson began his tour, “This place this known as Fort Louisiana, or in short, The Fortress as it is the only main military installment in these areas. It is currently defended by a mere thousand troops, most of them through conscription and have not been through war yet. It has been so peaceful lately until now.” A sigh evident in his speech. “Reinforcements are expected to come by the end of this week, before the enemy launches a sure-to-come attack on here. Hopefully our boys would last out against the onslaught of the enemy. The space where the encampment you all are living on used to be that of our training ground. The buildings you see at the far end are the bunkers where we are currently housing our boys; they are having target practice everyday to prepare themselves. The tallest building is that of the High Commission, in short me and some of my stuff. Anything you can look for me there. I’ll try my best to help you all. Guess your son will be interested in those machines over there. They are our latest imports, the 25-pounder Howitzer, able to pack a punch into the enemy. I guess I shall end the tour here and let you all go back and do your business.”

With that, General Iverson gave a salute and headed back for his office while he and his mom headed back to their tent, grateful to him for his concern. He had gained quite a bit from the tour too, the knowledge of this place as well as some of the things over him. In heart, he knew his father would be proud to receive the Medal of Honor and respected as a national hero. Although losing his father was hard, he knew he did that to protect him and his mother, a noble sacrifice indeed.

He was deep into his thoughts when his mother called him to fetch water from the nearby well. Although disgruntled that he was disturbed from his thoughts, he knew he could not stand there the whole day daydreaming, wasting time, life had to go on. Taking the pail from his mom hands, he headed to where the saw a long queue behind familiar brick object, almost the same to his home’s.

Patience had never been his strong suite. After waiting for like a few minutes, he began losing his cool. A look of frustration was apparent on his face, mumbling away about the people in front taking their own sweet time to fetch the water. The guy in front of him heard his mumblings and said,”This is how life during war is like, you apparently have been born with a silver spoon in your mouth. I suggest you stop complaining as it does nothing to help the situation, except to aggravate yourself, as well as those around you” Realizing this older person was much more enlightened than him, he thought through his actions and realized what the person said to be true. His turn soon came, and it was not long before he was heading back to his tent.

His mother was busy trying to start a fire using the given materials but it was a futile effort. 5 matches came and go, without successfully lighting the dry twigs. Exasperated, she tried another time. On her sixth attempt, the twigs finally caught and started burning. One could see there was relief in her eyes. Placing the pot above the heat source, she began cooking a simple lunch cum dinner. (most of their days were spent searching for dry wood) Shortly, it was ready. She filled up one of the bowl and handed it to him, while filling another for herself. From his indignant starring at the content’s of the bowl, it was obvious he was not too pleased. Putting his first spoonful into his mouth, he almost choked in disgust. It was undoubtly the blandest bowl of broth he had ever tasted. He almost blurted out that this type of food was inedible before remembering what the boy he met earlier said to him. ”This is how life during war is like, you apparently have been born with a silver spoon in your mouth. I suggest you stop complaining as it does nothing to help the situation, except to aggravate yourself, as well as those around you.” He knew that was absolutely true, by complaining to his mom, he would not have improved the taste of the broth and would instead make his mother more stressed out than she was. This was war and he had to adapt to it, whether he liked it or not. Putting all thoughts about the bland food aside, he swallowed it, knowing that he should instead be gratified that he had something to fill his stomach during such tough times as compared to some other unfortunate people.

Throughout dinner, his eyes were trained on the familiar stout figure standing on the podium a distance away from their tent. Despite the bitter weather that would have made anyone go weak in their knees, he stood out among the rest. His loud voice overpowering that of the wind howling in the background. The sight of him gave the men under him a sense of security. His words further boosted their morals; cheers coming from the crowds with every word he spoke. Many were ready to lay down their lives for this influential person standing before them. To them, he was more than their commander. He was their father, ever so caring. At first sight, one might have mistaken him for being a ruthless commander. It was soon to be proved otherwise. The vigorous training was nothing but a mere routine to them, knowing that he meant the best for them, not torturing them. Even he himself went through it with them everyday. This was especially encouraging for the newcomers.

Those that knew his rise through ranks to General were awed. A tough soldier with the republic’s army many years back, his first recognition in warfare came in the Civil War. He was a private then, escorting a convoy carrying the much needed food supplies to his camp. It was then he was ambushed by the enemies. Outnumbered with their only escape route being cut off and his commander laying in pool of blood, he took control of the situation and through his brilliant tactics, outmaneuvered and delivered a crushing defeat to his counterparts. Due to his brilliantness, the convoy reached its destination safely. Recognizing a talent in him, his superior promoted him to sergeant. His second breakthrough came in the quelling of the rebellions where he and his team of elite commandos went against the odds and carried out a rescue mission behind the enemy lines without any support nor cover whereas a division of mechanized infantry failed miserably. Upon his return, he was being lauded of being the hero of the war and promoted to his current rank, receiving many honors along the way. Those that had fought under him knew that he had a knack for being involved in the action rather than being in the safety of a command position. He reasoned that fighting alongside his men will not only encourage and boost their morals, but also he can have a better understanding of the battle and act according to the situation on the spot. He was also a respected figure in the military sector and his words carry weight. Suggestions by him was always dutifully analyzed and seldom rejected. At present, thousands of lives were under the command of his hands and it was duty that he defend this place with as minimal loss as possible.

Every word spoken by that dignified person was music to his ears. Listening attentively, all thoughts about the blandness of the food soon vanish, attention turning towards the enlightening speech instead. It made him understand the present situation better and that fighting back was the only option. One can run, but it is only a matter of time before one would be defeated. Fighting back not only ensured a chance at survival, but also winning the war. It was in fact the only feasible option given that the next nearest defense line was 20 miles away, with a huge forest separating them. Retreating under such conditions would only seal their fates, as well as many other innocent. Either the forest merciless beasts and conditions would take them out, or their counterparts will take advantage of the situation and finish them off. No known was known to have entered and emerged the forest alive. It was but a lose-lose situation. The more he listened, he more he wished he was old enough to join the army with such a far-sighted leader, but he made it clear that children under the age of thirteen were not eligible. The speech soon ended, leaving him awed. Darkness soon set in, and in front of each tent, a family huddled together, seeking warmth within each other. Some told stories, lifting the mood, while some others played music, mostly that of a somber tune, likely grieving the lost of a loved one, just like him. Memories of the good old times spent with his father, especially on those weekends when he brought him on a ride on the tractor, till the part where his father’s head was decapitated, played through his brain like a delicately synchronized dance. Every image meant more than ever words can represent. Laying his head against the side of the tent, he could no less wonder why fate was so cruel to them of late. Starring into the darkness of the sky, a star suddenly blinked, the only lone one out there. Searching within his heart, he guessed it must be father. He stared at it contentedly, a smile appearing on his face. Watching it, mesmerized, he soon fell into a trance and deep into sleep.

He felt the rough shaking of hands on his shoulders, waking him up abruptly. Squinting through the minutely opened eyes, he saw his mother standing over him. In an apologetic voice, she said, “You know I hate to disturb you from your sleep, but we are at war now and life is hard. I can’t manage alone, so I will need your help to fetch water for us daily. Oh yes, if you didn’t know, there are rumours saying that the well is drying up due to the frost. I do not want to take any risks.”

“Don’t need to apologize mother, I understand. I am at your beck and call and will give my utmost best to whatever task you entrust me with. Worry not.” The words that came out shocked his mother to her inner cores. Never once had she expected her child to be so mature in his thoughts. She could not have asked for more. Pleased, she asked him to fetch water as what he did yesterday, which he obliged almost immediately. Stretching out a little, he took the pail and headed for the well with its usual long queue. Looking around to kill the bore room, he saw in the distance the soldiers doing their morning workout to upkeep their fitness and a group patrolling around the outskirts of the fort to keep look out for signs of enemy movement. His turn soon came but he did not noticed until the women behind him tapped on his shoulders as he was too engrossed watching the soldiers at work. Muttering his humble apologies, he took his fill. It was then he realized that he had to go deeper than usual to get the water, confirming those rumours to be true. He brought the water back to his tent and told his mother about the drying up well.

A shadow of worry was evident behind his mother’s eyes. But nevertheless, she made no mention of it. For the next few days, the life they led was almost the same as the day before. It was the usual routine of fetching water, having meals and sleep. Certainly there was nothing else to do. Occasionally during his free time, he would observe the soldiers doing their vigorous training regime. The dust after the raid on the town by the enemy seems more or less to have settled down. Everyone seems to be getting on with their life at the encampment. Or it seems so.

As the end of the week was nearing, problems arose for his family. Their supply of firewood was diminishing fast, added on to the fact that there were no more dry wood in the vicinity. Nobody dared to venture out far ever since the news that enemies were sighted at the foot of the hill. The risk was too great. The shortage of fuel was evident in the newcomers to the encampment. Many had to go around begging for wood. Most ended up empty handed though, but a few lucky ones managed to lay their hands on families who had extra and was willing to help. Already twice in the past hour someone had come knocking on their tent, asking whether they had any extra wood to spare. Although his mother sympathized with them, they simply did not have enough even for themselves, not to mention sparing some for others. Also, sickness among the young and old generations was starting to show. For some, their gum bled non-stop while others had high fever. Medicine was scarce and most were left up to their body defenses. Most of them succumb to their illnesses, while a handful of lucky ones managed to live through the ordeal. The death toll was getting higher by the day. Some due to illness, the others, malnutrition. It all seemed hopeless, either they got killed by some viruses and lack of food, or the enemies would come and brutally murder them. Either way, they had to die, one way or another.

**********

The gale blew hard, seemingly enraged, trying to destroy anything in its path, on top of that, it was not the usual snow that was falling, but hailstones instead. No one left the protective covers of their tent. These hailstones were large and fatal if struck on the head. Already it had claimed lives. No amount of clothes seemed to be able to keep out the chill from entering their skins. With no fire to keep warmth, he and his mother huddled together, trying to seek warmth in each other. Others were mumbling their prayers, hoping for a miracle to happen. For a moment, it seemed as though their prayers had been realized. The hailstorm stopped abruptly and the wind stopped as suddenly as it came. Many cried aloud their thanks, while some knelt down, head touching the ground as a sign of thanks.

The joy was short-lived however. Squealing of tires was heard heading towards General Iverson’s office. Out from the jeep jumped a pale-faced officer who immediately rushed into the office. Not a minute had passed before alarms and sirens sounded or around them. Their worst fear had come true – the enemies had broken through the first line of defense was about to reach the fort. The timing could not have been better, had the boys just held out another day, reinforcements would have arrived and the refugees could have gotten their airlift into the safety of another town. Now it was impossible. The enemy had started their assault on the fortress and any attempts to carry out an airlift would be suicide. The reinforcements was their only hope of survival, if any at all.

Shells exploded all around them, trapping them. People were screaming their heads off; some had lost parts of their body in the midst, others lost their loved ones and were grieving. It was simply a scene from hell. Chaos reigned and pandemonium erupted. Everyone was trying to flee in a futile effort. The only exit was entrance to the lion’s mouth. Even if they managed to break through, it was acres and acres of forest with the probability of survival extremely low. It was a death trap. He clung on tightly to his mother, afraid that he might lose her the same way he lost his father.

Over at the howitzers, General Iverson were giving orders out, apparently try to return the enemy in kind. Flashes of light coming from the guns of each sides lighted up the night skies. The din was deafening. Despite the relentless defense by General Iverson’s troops, they were taking much more damage than they could sustain. Knowing that the enemy greatly outnumbered his troops and that fighting on with just brute force alone was no longer a viable option. Also, it was his duty to protect the many refugees still in the encampment. The enemy had the fortress sieged; it was just a matter of time they got killed by one of the never-ending shells from the enemy or died from hunger. The odds were just simply piling up against them. He once contemplated retreating but the old army’s saying “You can run, but you can’t hide” came to haunt him. He was in a dilemma, having his options cut off. The enemies had him encircled in an almost perfect plan. Ammunitions were running low and the possibility of lasting through the day for the reinforcements to arrive seemed low. His men were seriously demoralized by the sudden attack, not to mention of their comrades falling down around them. Rushing up to join their ranks, he lifted his rifle and fired into the smoke caused by the crossfire. Seeing their commander joining them in the fight for freedom, the men doubled their effort in resisting the enemy force so as not to disappoint their ‘father’. Out of the blue, the table seemed to have turned. The fire from the enemy was considerably lessened, and soon, it almost stopped. General Iverson and his commanding officers could be seen hugging each other, yet the soldiers on the battlefields just stood numb, gratified to be alive.

The smoke soon cleared and with it the aftermath of the battle. Men in uniforms laid eagle-spread on the field, along with some innocent refugees. Even so, many had been the victim of this battle too, some having lost their legs, the others, their arms. Rounding his men up, General Iverson commended them for their brave efforts and called for a moment of silence to mourn for those who lost their lives in their gallant attempt in protecting motherland. Hanging their heads low, all of them knew deep down that they had a duty to protect their country at all costs. The lost of their lives was nothing compared to losing their nation to the hands of the enemy. Now with the reinforcements on their way, General Iverson was sure he could win this battle, perhaps the decisive battle. For winning would give them a chance to rout the enemy.

In the midst of everything, the aide to General Iverson rushed up to him, passing him a radio phone. Upon hearing its content, his face blackened and a rage of righteousness swept over him. All thoughts of victory immediately vanished. In place was a deep sense of hatred and vengeance. Nobody could understand the sudden change in him for a moment, but upon hearing the news, they did and were in rage too. Even the soldiers was shouting slogans, raising their fists and shouting words of revenge. It appeared that the enemy had heard the news of the reinforcements that was on their way and decided to halt its advance. Using overwhelming firepower and the element of surprise, they easily routed their counterparts and immobilized half of the army even before they had a chance to retaliate. Having being defeated, the convoy that it was carrying along was conveniently captured by the enemy. It contained the much needed ammunition as well as food supply. With them lost now, General Iverson had but to rely on the resources he had on hand.

Looking at his men’s enraged mood, General Iverson knew it was now or never. With the enemy’s shell restarting their assault on their intended targets, he only had one worry – the refugees. He had one final chance, and that was to crack through the enemy lines before they are reinforced which would complicate things. Beads of perspiration flowed down his sideburn, knowing that the decision he was about to make would either be the glory of his life or his deepest regret. Breathing in heavily, he finally said “Assemble the troops for a final charge against the enemy. It will be a life or death battle.” With renewed determination, the soldiers fastened their bayonets onto their rifle, with the first of the sun rays reflecting off them. Even those not too badly injured hastened to join the ranks, not wanting to miss the chance to avenge their comrades.

Through out the whole ordeal, he and his mother never left each other. Once, a shell exploded just meters away from them. Had the gunner been more accurate, they would be corpse by now. The lull in the firing brought the much needed comfort to them. Many of their neighboring campmates took the chance to flee, not wanting to take the chances with the encampment. It was no longer safe to them. His mother was tempted for a moment to do so, but after much consideration, she thought since it was over, it was better to wait for the airlift. Now with the renewed shelling, she now had second thoughts. However it was too late now. Behind her eyes was a sense of hatred, for the enemies; a sense of concern and anxiety for her only son. She knew that any moment, they could lose their lives. All she could do was to pray for their safety and that they would come out alive and in one piece. Everything around them was broken. Tents abandoned, some fire places still smoldering away. Suddenly a blinding flash appeared in front of them. It was the brightest he ever seen and it blinded him temporarily, leaving him dazed. Slowly, his senses returned to him. He felt a searing pain on his forehead, touching it with his finger; he saw it covered in crimson liquid as he lowered it to eye level. The first thought that came to his mind as that they were hit. With a sudden fear overpowering him, he felt dizzy and looked around frantically, only to find his nightmare come true.

His mother lay in a pool of dull red blood, her body almost limp. The only sign of life in that bloodied body is the shallow breathing. Even in face of death, she still would not giver up over the safety of her young and only son. In her mind, she knew only one person could be her savior now, in she willed herself to lift long enough to pass the message on. The shuffling of feet outside her tent announced the arrival and going of someone, something so common, yet there was a unique touch to these footsteps. Her head turned and she saw her chance slipping past her fingers. Undaunted, she called out in an almost meek voice, “Ge..Gen..ne..ral I..ver..ver..son…” Voice fading away. It was a voice so soft that no one could hear under normal circumstances but fate must have pitied her and granted her final wishes.

The general heard a faint call for his name but dismissed it as the things on hand were more important. It was war now, he could not spare the time. Yet, his conscience bit into him. Giving in, he turned around, and saw the wife of his former comrade dying. Her eyes gleamed, as though she had a final message. Holding up her hand, he kneeled beside the dying mother as she sputtered her final words. “You know this is my only son. He is still young and is the burden of my mind. Take care of him, well. Only then will I rest in peace. Avenge my death, justify it and the many others lost.” Her words in drips and drapes, but the message was clear. Seeing the nod from his head, she gave a thin smile before eyes rolling over and her body limp, in a pool of blood.

The whole world crashed down on him that very moment. He had lost his dad, and now his mother. All under the hands of the enemies. He remembered his mother’s word clearly as though it was spoken to him not a moment too long ago, about avenging his father’s death. That would apply to her now. Tears of grief flowed freely, his emotions uncontrollable. Why did Heavens above had to play such games with him? Why? Was losing one parent not enough? Grief gave way to hatred. The fire raged freely. His mind concentrated on avenging his parents’ wrongful deaths. He would see to that. The images of his dead parents forever etched in his memories. Time flies, and he knew it was not before long he had his chance at vengeance. They said vengeance is sweet, so as proven.

*********

In the distance, a thunder clapped, jolting him back to the real world. “War always had its casualties” He thought. Descending down to the remnants of what he used to call home, he dropped the bouquet of flowers he had brought just in front of the arched doorway. The first, and perhaps the last. Kneeling down and kissing the ground, he knew the time had come. Rising, he turned about and headed into the darkness, never turning back once.

The snow fell; the wind blew, erasing all traces that anyone had been here…

RAW and UNEDITED

2008-10-29T23:59:00.002+08:00

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
anyway you asked her for her full name?

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
no i didnt rofl

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
not tt direct

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
then?

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
i told u

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
i used the powers of my brain!

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
how? = =

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
just say the magic words 3 times "charisse is lesbo" and u will gain access

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
why

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
cos her mind is so peverted that she password locks it with such a password!

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
really

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
yeps

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
u can go ask charisse if u dun believe!

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
so i just type charisse is lesbo 3 times = =

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
i said say! not type

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
so how did you say it to her

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
just type in her conv window x 3 times

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
uh huh

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
and get myself screwed

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
then ask her for her name. and she will give it to u!

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
okaay

IL Shan; ad victoriam! says:
weird

BlackCrimson passing the limit says:
yea.

Dammit, this is pure distraction, when I am having exams ._.

Die, dying, dead.

2008-10-27T00:58:00.002+08:00

I have failed to keep to my revision schedule and now I am badly off schedule. That probably means my revision for all the other subjects will be like warped and limited. Sigh. So much for distractions and maths. I am not liking the outlook, not after I think I screwed up my languages in my opinion due to some darn stupid mistakes. Wished I were a little smarter and does not need to revise so much. Or at least I wish I were better in maths, it's just draining me. True, I have lost my passion in Maths since I don't know when, but still I guess I have a responsibility to ensure my comprehension of some complicated stuff called Calculus. I missed the day of primary school, the day of problem sums, hmm... Sigh.

Probably this isn't the best time to complain about stuffs, but I do feel so overwhelmed (maybe it's just cos I have been trying to revise maths for the whole day but failing). I am pondering about stuffs unrelated to exams, thinking about the future, creating my own fantasy world. I just wonder sometimes, whether I am just a pawn being used, for whatever reasons and by whoever. One fine day, perhaps I will wake up and realize the lie that I have been living in. Or maybe I will realize that I am facing my worse nightmare.

Maybe I need more than myself this time. But no one else have a responsibility to face my challenges, do they?

***
Many stories before us have ended, but ours ain't destined to end yet;
I thought that was the closing chapter, but you opened another to my surprise.
Maybe you did so unknowingly without any intention to,
Or maybe this is just an epilogue which I mistook for another chapter
You don't read this, and I doubt you will.
There's more than I thought
But will this be a sweet dream, or a scary nightmare?
I.am.confused; once bitten twice shy.

But this question, unlike the exam questions I face, doesn't need to be answered.
And even if it is answered, there could be no right nor wrong answer.

Videos - dedicated to Terence

2008-10-25T20:10:00.006+08:00

EDIT! Omg this song is <3.><

And this is actually a cutscene from the game itself...

****
Erm, Terence since you take pleasure at watching videos... here are some quite good videos that I should dedicate to you.

My Destiny - Trish Thuy Trang

Middle of nowhere - Trish Thuy Trang

FFXIII Trailer (main character is female I heard)

Doesn't Matter - Alison Krauss

FF7 Crisis Core Ending (I actually watched all the cut scenes on youtube><)

Ok I think I shall stop here. Yes go oggle/squeal/kyaa/fanboy/high Ng IL Shan Terence =p

PS: I still like the story of FF7 the most =x

And it begins.

2008-10-23T15:28:00.003+08:00

Under 24 hours from now, everything will unravel; the closing chapter will be written and that marks the end of yet another milestone. It's yet another ritual, something that is done twice a year. It's almost monotone, nothing changing, nothing interesting, just another bore. Yet it's important enough to be considered almost pivotal to our futures.

I won't even deny it. I ain't motivated for the coming exams. And no, I am no genius that can conjure model answers to seemingly impossible to answer question out from midair, much less a mugger that tries to cram everything into his head in a hope that every question posed will have a solution from that reservoir of information. No, I am just the average guy that does his work last min and live from day to day. Tomorrow is no different. English and Chinese, paper 1 and 2, 6 hours of living hell in one day is something I don't fancy.

I will try my best I swear, but that won't guarantee that I won't disappoint myself at the end of the day. The end's so close yet so far. And there's so much more to overcome.

No matter what, the challenge looms whether I am ready to take it on.

Random musing

2008-10-19T21:32:00.003+08:00

*I hate falling sick right before exams =x*

Ah. To all taking O-levels, all the best! To those taking EOYs at NUSHS, all the best as well. To Jun Le, if you have any exams at NUS, all the best too! Rofl. And this marks the ending of yet another year. Oh wells.

Having said what is going to be irrelevant to what I am going to blog here, let's continue. It's not going to be long, but it is just some random musing I had while pondering over the financial crisis of late.

Warning: Whatever I may say may seem heartless to a certain extent, but this is just my opinion

Many have lost moneny investing their hard earned cash into mini-bonds and the likes when massive US financial institutes like Lehman Brothers etc. I do symphatize with them, especially those who have invested their retirement funds into it. Yet on the other hand, I do find it saddening that these people are actually demanding banks that have pushed these deals to them back for their money that is lost.

The idea of a low-risk investment is that it is low-risk. And given the situation a few years back, who would have though firms like Lehman Brother or Bear Stearns would have actually collapsed? So the use of the word low-risk then was in no way inappropriate. Yet the word low-risk simply means that while the risk is low, it isn't risk free. So all these low-risk investments do indeed run the risk of being blown, just like how they did a few months backs. When people invest in these low-risks bonds, they must understand what they are facing. True they may claim that they have been misled by banks to a certain extent, and yet at the end of the day the money is theirs and who stands to lose their money at the end of the day is them, not the banks. So to some extend, they should take responsibility over what they invest their money in. To ask for the money back they have lost in investing is quite irresponsbile in my opinion; to ask for the full lump sum of money that they have lost is even worst. Nothing in this world is free. Money don't drop from the sky, just like you don't always stand to earn if you invest your money in low risk investments. Given that the banks here have already said to return at least 20% of what people have invested in, I think they should be thankful already.

Imagine this. If everyone's investment in such low-risk investment sums up to about 500million, and everyone insists on getting their money back, how are the banks here going to cough up that sum of money? Agreeable 500 million bucks doesnt amount much for Singapore's economy, but yet it is still substantial enough to cause a dent even. And if these number spirals up due to the failing financial institutes in the US, are the banks going to be able to repay everyone who have lost their money investing? This will just cause Singapore's economy to collapse at the end of the day and go bust. Yes I repeat I do emphatize with those people who have lost their money, but at the end of the day they can't really blame anyone but their bad luck.

Low-risk investments are atill at the end of the day, just like stocks. Sometimes when the economy is good you gain, but when the economy is bad, you lose. And that's the way this largely capitialistic society works. We can't be that naive to have the mindset that by investing in low risk investments, they won't lose money and will only gain money. This is just wrong thinking, an extremely naive and immature one while at it. Nothing in this world is free, and nothing in this world will ever guarantee that you won't lose what you have invested in. Even if you put your money in banks, you DO actually stand a chance to lose that amount of money if the bank collapses. It is just that the possibility is so low that we don't even think that it'd be possible. But with the world's economy collapsing, nothing is impossible.

Wake up people, and stop dreaming. You don't live in a world whereby money drops from the sky.

Life's a bore.

2008-10-18T14:34:00.003+08:00

I guess that's the way how things are before exams. It's not that I do not have time to blog or what, it is that I have absolutely nothing much to blog about. It just goes by the lines of eat, sleep and do work.

On a separate note, Research Congress `08 went well. The book's off to a flying start. Hope it will sell well, but don't think I can expect much ahahaha.

This is the website of the publisher for our book anyways. Go take a look!

=DD

asdfghjkl;'

2008-10-14T21:02:00.003+08:00

i.am.tired. so much so that i shan't bother to use capital letters.

the end is near, 2 more weeks and it's exams. but the workload this week is just a heck lot, and i am tired. research congress on thursday. shucks, i still got english comprehension due tomorrow. argh... asdfghjkl;

i shall just leave this post as it is as i forgot what i wanted to say, and i am too tired anyways. these days are just work work and more work.

bad day; happy ending

2008-10-11T10:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday started out quite bad until like late at night. But I guessed it ended off alright. Morning was totally horrible, I totally lost my cool and I actually do feel quite bad venting it off at someone over some petty issue with some pretty harsh words. Wasn't her fault, but I guess I just blown it. The human nature is not infallible, so I guess yesterday was a day when I just broke down. Oh wells. I am glad it ended off well towards the end of the day; I am just surprised how fast it ended. Anyone who was at the receiving end would have enough shit from me in under an hour to hate me for a lifetime. But I guess that's how life works, bad days do have an happy ending. And I am quite thankful for the friends I have.

Random fact no.1: Ahtisaari won the nobel peace prize! GA2 people do you see this? =D
Random fact no.2: Book publishing is going well =D

Beyond words

2008-10-08T19:07:00.002+08:00

Is there anything left I can say? I guess not. Some things I can't explain for myself even. There is no point blaming the people around you, your surroundings, cos all the matters at the end of the day is that it is your own loss. It's not a blame game.

Some people ask why am I so harsh on myself at times. They say life is short and that we should enjoy it to the fullest. My answer is simple. I don't forgive myself easily, for all the could haves and should haves. Frankly I doubt things would have been better even if I'd put in more effort, but still that doesn't give me enough a reason just to ignore it. Life's short, but it's complicated too. Others may want to take life easily, but that is them. This is how I take life, so be it. Each to his own opinions. I can't enjoy life and still feel satisfied, not when I have done so much to disappoint myself. And I question, what is the meaning of "enjoy life"?

Sure, things that happened today doesn't mean that the world ends tomorrow, but it doesn't mean that they don't bother me. Am I still who I think am I, or have changed? I seek to be fulfilled via grades, because I have been disappointed in other aspects. The other aspects, which I shall neglect to elaborate, although remains the most important things in my life, but I have come to a point where I have accepted that I will be disappointed by them, because it takes 2 hands to clap to make these aspects fulfilling. But grades, I reason that it is just me and me alone. Maybe so, but I am falling, falling short of my expectations. I don't set high expectations, I set expectations based on precedents, but the fact that I am failing my expectations means that I am just falling. And it feels so much like a free fall drop; when will the parachute open? I have 2 more years to believe in myself, to believe in the system, but I am losing faith in them. But it's just my loss and no one's else. I no longer see any purpose.

I have came a long way to where I am today, but the odds are stacking against me at this crucial juncture. This semester is totally nerve wreck and I am on the verge of losing my sanity. This is the other side of me you won't see; this is the other side I don't want anyone to see. Right now at this very moment I can say this sincerely from my heart. But comes tomorrow when I enter the school gates, I will just put on a smile like any other day and pretend nothing happened. Lie to cover up what you don't want others to see, and lie to cover up these lies. My existence is a lie.

One day the end will come; but the end is just simply another beginning.

My destiny - Trish Thuy Trang

2008-10-06T00:24:00.000+08:00

A very nice song, and since Terence hates me posting youtube videos, here is a music player instead.

My Destiny - Trish Thuy Trang

My Destiny - Trish Thuy Trang

Moonlight high above the trees
Such a peaceful night it is
By myself I’m sitting here
the memories are clear
of love I never could reveal

There’s a gentle swaying breeze
while my eyes are filled with tears
All the things you couldn’t see
the love that I still feel
I never thought you’d ever leave

Chorus

Silently through all the years
my heart aches 'cause you’re not here
Took for granted you’d be there
I never showed I cared
and now you’re only in my dreams
All the time could never heal
What I’ve lost and what I feel
You were taken far away
and now it’s just too late
and fate has sealed my destiny

Sadness cuts my heart so deep
What a life it could’ve been
By myself in disbelief with misery and grief
this never was supposed to be

Twilight glimmers in the stream
Soon another day begins
Wishing you were here with me
to share new memories
and all the secrets that I keep

Chorus

Sigh

2008-10-05T19:30:00.003+08:00

When I'm willing to learn and have the time to learn, there's no one to teach me.
When people are free to teach me, I have no time to learn.

How? I need to understand this piece of sh*t called integrations which I have no interest nor motivation by Wednesday or I risk failing this maths test and blowing my academic future altogether as far as this sem is concerned.

I think I am in for a big disappointment this sem. So the question now is what grade I can get, but how should I punish myself?

-I punished myself by cutting myself off from the world 3 years ago, am I going to do that again?-

of fast cars and speeding down freeways

2008-10-05T00:49:00.002+08:00

Nissan Skyline GTR R34. Argh. I swear I totally like this car, even though it is old, and yes I still like it over the new 2009 Nissan GTR. Rawr. The 4 round rear lamps is like iconic. The headlights and its body chasis, I'd swoon over it man. Singapore can rarely see Skylines man, like I see more Lamborghini Gallardos than Skylines, the former being much more expensive. It is no wonder why some people say cars can replace the other half.

Haha, but I liked the Skyline since I was young. And my obssession with cars is still in me. The skyline is just classic. Too bad it has been discontinued... Will it be revived again? I certainly hope so.

Here are some pics for motoring goondos who don't know they are looking at one of the best cars of all time.

Credits to deviantart, and the respective owners of the pics.

In case you all haven't realized. I am blogging cos I don't fee like doing work.

Stupidity is an inherent property

2008-10-02T23:54:00.002+08:00

And we wonder if we get actually get smarter in an education system. Well, while there is no conclusive proof for whether we get smart, I do have a counter example on hand though.

To give a background information, we were doing up the final touches to our physics powerpoint which was to be presented in like 30 min. Pretty last minute I know, but very usual in my class of damn smart people who do work damn last minute. So we were discussing the contents of the presentations...

Jun Yi: What the heck is this equation?! Why put "recall this equation"! We didn't even learn it!"

The equation in question was E=0.5QV=0.5CV^2=0.5Q^2/C.
E is energy, C is Farad, V is potential difference, Q is charge.

Me: We did learn this before what! Half QV = Half CV squared =... *at this point I got cut off*

Jun Yi: Oh sh*t! 0.5 is half! I thought it was some kind of constant. I always see teacher use 1/2 instead of 0.5, didn't think that 1/2 = 0.5

Me: .................................................................................... That's going up on my blog.

And here we are, wondering are we getting smarter.

doggone;days of innocence

2008-10-02T01:13:00.003+08:00

The title deceives I swear. As of now 1:14am, 2nd Oct, I am very bored (and stressed out). And I reckon the greatest sin I could ever do in my high school life without physically hurting anyone is to upload my folder called "Misc" on the world wide web.

Although this Misc folder may seem insignificant to you, I swear the contents contains the most scandalous things ever, and it just literally describes me.

This folder contains:

All my chat logs since 2005 -everything starts and ends in there-
Other people's chat logs -coughs-
Past pranks created to prank on others (it includes blackmailing, secret admirers)
Photoshopped files -coughs-
ALL my picture collection (that is gonna be the best damn thing I got 14.1gb)
Powerpoints of scandals
Videos for important school events
Saved webpages of the infamous uncyclopedia article

Basically, it contains just about everything I did for the past 4 years of my life. I'd consider it one of the most important folder on my laptop.

For the sake of writing something

2008-10-01T13:27:00.002+08:00

Uneventful for the past few days =/ It's either doing work or getting pissed over doing work. Welcome to the uneventful, uninteresting etc life of a student who is not quite inspired to study so hard.

Anyways, news on the global economy is interesting though. And here's what I gotta say about it. As my title says, I am just doing so for the sake of writing something.

This is what you get when the world’s economy is dominated by 1 superpower, who is losing its power

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7641173.stm

770 points of the DOW Jones average, the world's economy has gone to the dogs. And even if the bill was passed, I'd say it is just the stop-gap solution. We need something other than just printing greenbacks and dumping them into an economy ravaged by subprime crisis.

That is why we need a bipolar world, or hell a tri-polar world or even a quardi-polar world. Of cos we can’t have global equality. At least when 1 falls, the world won't go down with it.

Friendship quiz

2008-09-27T21:36:00.004+08:00

This was actually created for Terence specially, but any other people from the GA family can try it too. =D

Create your own Friend Test here

broken like this;

2008-09-27T17:30:00.001+08:00

Seether ft Amy Lee - Broken

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

[x2]
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

the hope gets lesser; the faith grows weaker

2008-09-25T18:10:00.002+08:00

I'm probably on the verge of offending the whole world, and everything just goes downhill from here. Am I lying to myself, trying to act alright in school, then losing my cool at the very first chance possible. It's not even a question, it's a statement.

I'm totally pissed, and it's not sympathy I want. I want accountability.

This blog is public and I don't know how many NUS High students or teachers read it, but I don't give a damn now. You have pushed my limits, now feel my wrath. I don't care if I'm wrong on this issue, I just see it from my perspective and that's all that matters. What could matter when you just feel that you got cheated on every count?

Dear NUS High, if you can't get your English right, please don't set test/exams paper which have a shitload of ambiguity and totally ruin my day and my future prospects. I have lost 6.5 marks in bio test, 10 marks in today's math test, because of some damned screwed up ambiguity which teachers refused to clarify, insisting that there is no problem. I know the English standard here ain't great, nor can it be compared to GP standards, but surely having no ambiguity in a test is paramount?

And my math test today? Maybe 0/20 cos I spent so long on the first question I didn't get the chance to do the 2nd question, not that I would have known how to do so even. 0/20 must be great eh? Thanks so much NUS High, thanks NUS High for ruining my chances of honoring Maths. And it's not my fault.

Don't think I feel good talking bad about the school on my blog, I just can't stand it anymore with some screwed up system. Yes NUS High may have the best math and science education, but if it can't even set the test/exam questions without ambiguity, there might as well be none. I'm not saying that it always happen, but I'm just saying that when it happens, it just happens at crucial juncture.

Thanks NUS High maths for screwing up my grades, my prospects at honoring, my future, my day. Thanks so much. Of all times, you have to do it at this crucial juncture. You didn't know I could have done without it, did you?

Essay Question

2008-09-24T17:53:00.003+08:00

Because I was bored, I actually wrote the following in response to Shawn's totally random blog question under his comments. And since I have spent 30 min on it, I decide I might as well blog about it.

Note: This essay would only make sense to people from GA1 and GA2 from RMUN `08.

To what extent would you agree with the writer (Shawn) that Sony Ericsson is better than Nokia? Elaborate.

I would disagree with the writer to a large extent, with so many reasons that I think I deserve more than 20 marks.
Firstly, I am surprised that the author even bothers coming up with such a technologically retarded question. Given that the named writer was born and raised in the land of GA, the writer would know that inferior technology like mobile phones and 3.5G are reserved for the lesser race also known as Homo Sapiens. Elites such as Homo Gaians who live in laps of luxury and preside over administrative matters in the land of GA has been using much superior technology to communicate. One such method that has been widely used by us Homo Gaians is telepathy.

Telepathy is an essential tool and has been the vital reason why Homo Gaians could rise over Homo Sapiens within such a short period of time. Although the discovery of telepathy was accidental (whereby the Crown Princess wanted to make her son, Licky, her husband and oust her current husband, whom she felt wasn't quite the real man she wanted, but couldn't do so publicly for fear of ruining her image as a pure, chaste and innocent princess, and thus had to find someway to do so to convey the message to her father, also known as the Grand Aristocrat, in doing so, telepathy was invented) Since then telepathy has been at the forefront of our communication program. However there has been reports that the Crown Princess is abusing this technology, especially using it to express her fantasies on Grand Tutor, Terence Ng.

After coming a long way to give a brief history of our superior technology, which the writer is apparently unaware of despite being a Homo Gaian, it just brings me back to the point that questioning which mobile phone is better than the other is simply irrelevant. The superiority of telepathy over mobile phones is unquestionable and cannot be doubted. This is a fact not a statement. As of such, the writer should not be questioning about mobile phones, but rather a more relevant question would be: To what extent would you agree that Charisse Tay, the Crown Princess, has been abusing the telepathy technology and terrorizing the people of the land of GA?

However even if we were to assume the writer to have homo sapien origins, and by some mistake became a homo gaian, questioning whether Sony Ericsson is better than Nokia is still irrelevant with respect to the technology status of homo sapiens. The latest technology available for these lesser beings are currently the new google andriod and the iphone, with nokia and sony ecrisson totally out of the picture. (It may be worthy to note that the Crown Princess has a certain obsession with the iphone as she can camwhore anywhere and anytime with it, as well as visit facebook) As such, the question is once again proven to be irrelevant. Obviously the writer has asked this question without proper consideration, or maybe the writer simply lacks basic knowledge about technology, which cannot be blamed given that the writer has only been religiously reading the 19th edition of Oxford dictionary, which does not includes latest technological words.

On 2 counts, the irrelevancy of the question has been proven, whether it is from the perspective of Homo Gaians, or the lesser being, Homo Sapiens. As of such, this question is totally irrelevant with respect to the current context.

=D

Interview

2008-09-22T01:42:00.013+08:00

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them 5 questions.
Questions from Charisse Tay after a series of random events which includes:
1) Terence inviting me into a mass conversation with Charisse
2) Charisse showing her effects of 420 moles of oestrogen in her blood stream
3) Terence challenging Charisse to call me
4) Terence giving Charisse my number
5) Charisse calling me
6) Charisse saying hold on while she called Terence
7) Random chatting
8) My phone get cut off
9) Got added back into the conv
10) More random chatting
11) Terence got on Charisse's nerves by asking her to call Liki instead
12) Charisse pouts and said she will call Liki
13) Phone conv ended
14) Some random chatting on Msn that leads to Charisse asking us whether we want her to design 5 questions. I think Terence asked her to design 5 question for him, while Charisse asked me if I wanted
15) So therefore after wasting 15 lines, here I am with this quiz/interview =D
******

1. What are your thoughts on NUS High/being in NUS High? Anecdotes are good, and be detailed if you don't have any!
3 years 9 months at NUS High, my opinion of this school has been constantly changing, right from the start when I joined this school up till this moment in time. One thing that has never changed though, is that I enjoy every bit being a pioneer batch of this new school, setting new frontiers and breaking barriers. While I don't say I am at the forefront of this school, nor am I particularly active in school matters, I guess everyone plays a vital role towards the school.

If I am to be politically correct, I would say that NUS High provides us with a platform to explore Maths and Science deeper than any other education program can provide in my opinion. The standard here in these specific areas are pitched at a higher level such that it challenges our ability. Research opportunities are aplenty. In a nutshell, it provides a holistic education for maths and science.

But I'll admit this school ain't perfect on many counts. For one, the discipline here is lacking to a certain extent. Sometimes we (yes I know I 'm guilty of it even) go overboard with certain things, often at the expense of others. We often try to push the limits, get on the nerves of other people including teachers, and sometimes don't even feel guilty over our actions. I don't know if this a good or bad thing. On one hand, while we are more bold and dare to try new things, we get a little unfeeling at times. Yet on another count, there is a lack of culture and identity in this school. But that's understandable given that NUS High is a new school and that it is actually our duty as pioneers to develop that culture. But all I see are kinda 2 extremes, the mugger culture or the procrastination culture (me belonging more to the latter).

There is many more I could say, but I guess I shall just leave it at it. However if one were to ever asked me why I joined NUS High, besides having a strong interest in maths and science in primary school (primary school problem sums are <3),>I would give a cheapass answer: The DSA application was free; the other schools needed to pay like 20 bucks.

While being in NUS High does push me to the limits of breaking down at times though, I'd never regret once entering this school. There is just a unique feel to this. Whether I continue doing maths and science in the future as a career is totally another question though.

One thing though, the design of the school campus could certainly be improved. It feels small, and it seriously lacks greenery.

2. What is your greatest, deepest, darkest fear and have you ever done anything to try to overcome or surmount this fear? If so, what? If not, why not?
My greatest fear? I have none =D Seriously.. Joking. Obviously everyone has some kind of deepest fear within them. For me, I can't make up my mind between severely disappointing the people around me, or losing my friends without meaning to. Cos both have happened to me before, and I swear, damn, the anguish is so much that I feel that I am better off dead at times. I know I ain't perfect, and I know sometimes I ain't deserving of second chances, nor do I deserve them.

Now as I am writing, I think my greatest fear is losing my friends, close friends especially. When the people who used to talk to everyday just turns to give you the cold shoulder, it feels very very cold. I've been there and back, 5 times since high school days if I must add. Maybe there is more, I can't be sure. In the past, I used to think I can run away from this. I told myself, lied to myself if I might say, that these friends don't matter to me. But I can't even lie to myself, how could I lie to the world. At the end of the day, these people still feel so dear to me, some more so than the others. I can't run away, much less numb myself from them. I dream of them, sometimes having heart to heart chat, sometimes facing each other with a wrath of hatred.

But sometime last year near Christmas, I somehow felt enlightened, and felt that I should stop running away. Maybe it was on my part that led to the breakdown of these friendships. So I stopped running away and turned around to face them. Yes the fact that these friendships no longer felt like those of the past hurts, but then I realize that at the end of the day it is not that bad. At least I didn't run away and faced up to these broken friendships. Some weren't as lost as I thought. Maybe it can't return to the past, but having something is better than nothing.

And maybe RMUN helped too. Before RMUN I was kinda skeptical to meeting new people. I was just scared that I would be their friend for a day, and then lose them the next. But stepping up and trying for myself, I realized it wasn't that bad, and I was just restricting myself and my world.

I've been through hell and back, but I don't want to go through it another time. So long as I live, the fear of losing my friends will remain. Friendships is such that it takes 2 hands to clap, when I forget my part, please remind me and not just leave without a word. I say this to everyone.

3. Is there any one in your life at the moment that you have/could potentially have romantic feelings for? No need to name names, but please describe her as clearly as you can without compromising anonymity, if you so desire.
Yes and no. I have been bitten by romance to the extent that I have sworn off high school relationships. They are just too complex. Yet it certainly doesn't hurt to have someone in your mind, does it?

She has an unique perspective to things and is a really sweet girl.
She has a wild attitude, and yet is someone I can confide in.
They seem to be one class above me in different aspect.

I can chat with them for hours at a go. But I have let them down on different occasions. I could potentially have romantic feelings for them, but I know I won't because I have sworn off high school relations.

愿者上钩。Love can't be forced.

4. What are some of the most serious challenges you face as a debater, in competitions or just as a member of the CCA?
Getting fellow debaters to be passionate about debate and getting enough people to be interested in debate.

I lost my original debate team this year cos 2 members decide to break away from debate to pursuit their individual intersts. While certainly they have all the rights to do so, it has been difficult to get the team dynamics to the level it was. As a result, JG debates this year wasn't as good as the previous year. If I were to be harsh, it was kinda a flop to a certain extent.

I ain't even sure if I have enough juniors for next year debate competition. There is a lack of interest for a debating culture. So it gets kinda hard at times, especially in a school of maths and science.

Lastly, we don't even have a proper coach so to speak. Debate coaches are short in supply while high in demand. All our coaches are all ad-hoc coaches which can help out cos it is not the debate season. So when it is in season, we are kinda fending for ourselves. For the past few years, we have been just training by ourselves, improving where we feel we can, and asking our seniors for advice.

As the head of the debate, I am sometimes at a loss how to run it, really.

5. Are you the kind of person that is easily affected by what people around him says about him? Why or why not? Have you had any experiences of this sort in your life?
It depends. I am quite cool about it actually. If people praise me, I wouldn't get complacent. (Other than to certain people in my class in a joking manner). If I get negative statements from other students due to misunderstanding, I will just close an eye to it I guess. I don't believe anyone would want to make such an average guy like me their enemy to begin with, nor do I go arond and make enemies. Personally, I haven't got such experiences. So I don't know. Even if there are people talking behind my back, I won't know about it.

On the other hand though, if (please take note this is a HYPOTHETICAL situation) a teacher were to accuse me of something (a serious thing of course) that I ain't guilty of, then I think I will question the teacher's credibilty and lose respect for the teacher.

But if I get totally hurting/cold statements from my closest friends, I think I will just lose my cool. My reply will be short and pissed off. But I guess it will abate over time and everything will be fine at the end of the day. I have went to the gates of hell and salvaged back friendships from the brink of turning into enemity. Not by my own effort of course. Everyone played a role.

I am not affected by what the average man says about me. I am affected by what someone of close relation say about me.

(I think I have written off topic for the last question but oh well)

**END OF QUIZ**

Phew. This is a long long blog post. The questions 1-3 especially are quite profound. And Charisse, if you want to know more, the sky knows no limit. While this quiz limits you to 5 questions, there are certainly other means for you to know more about others(:

Commendation for Abigail Lai

2008-09-21T02:05:00.003+08:00

As of now my laptop has be turned on for 2 days 55 minute, so make it 2 days 1 hour.

To give in to Abigail the Puffin's demand, I shall commemorate her rare praising of me, which is a huge huge honor (and upgrade from the days of calling me irritating LOL)

And thus this virtual space worth about 20kb will be reserved in honor of Abigail Lai's tag on 20th September 2008, 2306.

abigail: and you know, nicyeo rocks. (im actually saying this so uh copy and save this tag )

I feel honoured =D And I hope this does not boost your already inflate ego! (Nvm, even if it did, it is justifiable xD)

As a side note, I started out hating chem too. Cos I totally failed it up to yr 3. But after sometime, I just got enlightened and actually enjoy it now. Though I don't dare say my grades reflect that haha. So jiayou bah. You will learn that Chemistry is better than Physics in the long run =D

the modern natural selection selection

2008-09-20T15:41:00.002+08:00

To show that the recent financial crisis has been getting into my head a little tad too much, here is what I have written for my biology assignment..

While natural selection favors individuals with genes that are best adapted for survival and reproduction with regards to the surrounding economy.

Which leads me to spearhead the drive for modern biology.

The classical biology states that natural selection favors individuals with genes that are best adapted for survival and reproduction with regards to the surrounding environment. However in a world that is largely dominated by capitalist ~~bastards~~ firms, we have to factor in the economy as well in biology. We cannot be naive and assume that the environment will remain wholly pure and is unaffected by economy. Being potential scientists, researchers, theorists and ~~failures~~ of the future, we must think out of the box and be open to new ideas. Therefore herald the new era of biology, the modern biology, which will provide a more holistic insight into the world of biology.

The modern biology includes the modern natural selection theory. The modern natural selection theory states that individuals with genes that are best adapted for survival and reproduction with regards to the surrounding economy. It is not difficult to comprehend this. With the world being more and more capitalistic, the fate of this world will eventually not lie in the hands of global warming, natural disasters or apes whatnot, but in the hands of the economy. Environmental doesn't mean anything in the long round. You have heard the phrase "money makes the world go round" but certainly not the phrase "environment makes the world go round". And if you were to think about it, the earth is quite rounded and obviously the reason why it is rounded is because of money! Obviously societies who thought that the earth was flat then had no sense of money, which eventually lead to the demise of the empires. Thus it is proven that the existence of this very earth is a result of money, which is directly linked to economy.

Back to the natural selection theory. Individuals with the genes which allow them to be in forbes top 100 ruchest list will obviously be selected for as they can survive and reproduce in a world whose economy is being ravaged by inflation. A bowl of bak chor mee used to cost only $2.00 but now it costs $2.50. Of course this would mean we can expect that one day, not too far into the future, we can see pigs with genes that have money sense going up to a bar and ordering a shot of vodka not too long, dealing with crack under tables in the future as natural selection takes place.

This theory of natural selction is not unfounded, being supported by the famous phrase "the rich gets richer while the poor gets poorer". Nature favors the rich, and obviously by natural selection, the rich will get richer while the poor will get poorer. Why do we have to worry about so many natural factors as proposed by the classical theory of natural selection when all we have to consider is one single factor, money!

=DD

Damn damn funny

2008-09-18T23:26:00.003+08:00

Drop everything you are doing, get yourself a soda and a comfy seat, pop the speakers up to max. Sit down and press play. Hilarity ensures I assure you. Stand up comedy >>>>> Homework

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

You dare tell me you ain't laughing your arse off? =D

double heat shot; salt to the wound

2008-09-17T20:48:00.002+08:00

I guess I gotta blame myself for screwing up the 2 tests today. I was totally unprepared for physics, not when they come up with 10 marks (out of 35) on a minor topic which I didn't expect to be tested for, and hence didn't revise. Chem test just feels weird to me. I could do all the questions, but I think my answers were wrong somehow. I mean... 1 million + atm for the pressure of H2 gas don't seem right, does it? Wth luh. Don't feel too good about it, and it certainly does not help with 1 more test tomorrow, one that I have lesser confidence than for today's papers.

Feeling that I have screwed up for chem and physics was the double head shot; getting a confirmation that I screwed up physics was the salt to the wound. Physics paper was first, then chem, back to back. During the time we took our chem test, our teacher marked finished our physics paper and emailed out the results... =s

Expressionless.

Near, but not quite there yet.

2008-09-16T00:10:00.004+08:00

When my world ends, I...

Wait my world can't end now, there is just too much laughter. Laughter shall over ride emoness today.

For your viewing pleasure -Charisse vs. Terence

Info: Charisse is an aggressive and perverted pokemon, always taking the first move with her higher agility. Her special attack, Wink, is known to be fatal on many occasions. Very few have survived to tell their experience with her, often escaping with their last bit of hitpoints (hp). Terence on the other hand is a slow pokemon with vampiric abilities, having a high defense and special counter attack moves. Of interest is his special counter attack move "Pluck eyelashes" which is known to be able to counter Charisse's "Wink"

Charisse's attacks:
1) pervy smile
2) erotic touch
3) bubbly bubbles
4) ultimate wink (suggested by Terence)

Terence's counter attacks:
1) mirror
2) warp self in cocoon
3) poke
4) pluck eyelashes

Rofl.

a coin has two sides;

2008-09-11T23:29:00.003+08:00

When the world crashes on you, who do you turn to?

When people need help, the seek their gods;
But when gods need help, who do they seek?

This week has been a bad and good week for me. Bad in a sense because I am facing a consecutive screw-ups academic wise. It's so bad I'm losing faith in myself. Maybe what I expect of myself is way past my limit, just that I do not think so. But I don't feel satisfied nor fulfilled, just strange emptiness. I am just living a life of near brushes, just somehow manage to scrape the lowly targets I set for myself. I can't continue living like that, can I? Just fee like I will break down if I don't even meet that lowly targets of mine. However it just begs the question, am I overly focused on some numbers in red? I don't know. I'd say no, for it is about the disappointment I feel. But then again, I can't be a fair judge for myself. Yet I don't feel motivated to push myself to work harder.

It's a vicious cycle.

Yet there are always 2 sides to a coin. Where bad things exist, there is always something good; a silver lining in every rain cloud. Somehow I am finding back all the lost bridges in my life, and building new ones at the same time. It just feels as though I am finding something new. When I first came into this school, I labeled myself as a loner for the fact that I was more or less alone in a new environment. I did reach out to people, though I think those are just scant memories now. Couldn't tell who were friends then. Or perhaps I didn't try hard enough. Either way, I broke down towards the end of year 1 and literally cut off communications from almost everyone. Smoked weed and drank vodka almost every night. (I am just felt like sensationalizing this part, obviously I don't smoke week nor drink vodka) Almost all relationships or friendships almost came to an end then, and most still probably are today, save for a few who were there when I was down and out. Manage to break out of that cocoon of mine, but since then I think I have still disappointed many others, resulting in each of us giving the other the silent treatment. But it feels like all these are coming to an end. Of course I won't say the relationships can go back to that of the past, but at least it is better than nothing. I have disappoint so many times, I can't expect more. People who I used to talk to almost everyday, the very same people who I didn't talk to for a very long time for various reasons, it feels like the end is near. It finally feels resolved. Or is this just an illusion on my part? Maybe if I can get some reassurance I would feel better. Something as simple as talking? But probably these people won't see this blog post anyways.

When the world ends, I want to be with you.

I don’t know who you will be, neither do I know why I want to be with you. I just want to spend my last moment with someone/some people special.

Noob is noob; fail is fail

2008-09-08T21:01:00.002+08:00

And this is how the day ended, with Biology evolution class. We got back 1 practical and 1 assignment which was done before the holidays.

1) Practical fail, at least this one is not too bad
Practical was group work, and it was a report... Skip the minor details. The beak sizes were measured in mm, but our group wrote inches for all of them in our report. Imagine a finch with 54 inches beak long... So there were like a spam of, "when the finches' beak were xx inches long..." We didn't get any marks docked though =D

Dr Tan's comment:

1st mistake: BEAK!?
2nd mistake: mm!
dao-ed the rest until the 2nd last: ?!?!?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

2nd) Assignment fail, this was written by a china scholar... and he lost the only mark from this mistake...

What was supposed to be written: "... 2nd generation of guppies..."

What was ACTUALLY written: "... 2nd generation of pussies..."

*faints* (the whole class was in uproar for like 5 min)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Fail is fail; noob is noob =D

Facebook spam

2008-09-08T00:18:00.004+08:00

A pictorial representation

2008-09-06T23:35:00.000+08:00

Electricity assignment is pissing the hell out of me; go to hell and rot. Plain idiocy wasting 5hours of my time and still unable to complete it

Fun's over; bac to reality

2008-09-06T01:51:00.002+08:00

At the expense of enjoying myself, I now have homework which I think I seriously won't be able to finish. =x It's like less than 2 days left, with alot more to finish. It doesn't help that I keep getting distracted by facebook notifications -.-

Fun's over, time to go back to the harsh reality of life
Thursday's a dream, but dreams only happen once in a blue moon
At some time the dreaming must end
And we wonder why good things never last.

Sentosa/Vivo Outing; RMUN `08

2008-09-05T19:37:00.003+08:00

I'm probably one of the last to blog about yesterday's outing, and maybe one of the shortest. But you can click the links on my blog and read Terence's or Abigail's version. If you still ain't satisfied, there is still always more from their links. And the list goes on.

Before I post anything, I declare Aaron Tan, director of GA1 and Charisse Tay, South Korea of GA1 as hopeless people who seeks to spam my mailbox with relentless facebook notifications due to their actions =D (Ok Pearl played a part too, 54 requests to tag my photos and having me to click confirm on everyone of them is no joke) To give you an idea, let's see some statistics.

Charisse: 83 notifications
Pearl: 70 notifications
Aaron: 54 notifications

Ok. So I met Terence at harbor front MRT when I thought I was going to be late. Aaron soon came after that. The rest were horribly late with rubber timing, so I shall neglect to mention names =D Aaron went to para-para at the arcade cos he was bored waiting, and Terence was happily filming until he got chased out by the arcade personnel. Still ok. He got changed out and little did we know it was going to be our terror for the next half of the day, or at least during lunch time. Jun Yan arrived somewhere in between, when Aaron was still para-para-ing.

Headed to Kopitiam for lunch while waiting for the others to arrive. Abi and Mag arrived, followed by Charisse. And that's was about it I guess. The horror began when Terence finished his lunch, and had nothing better to do, and decided to snuggle/cuddle/fondle his Catholic High PE T-shirt, much to the disgust of EVERYONE. Despite all blackmail/threat attempts, we failed to get him off his PE shirt. He only decided to put it away when we were about to get into the monorail station. (And I think Terence was the one who still thought the monorail is the old one that goes around sentosa -.-) Oh, Pearl joined us just as we were about to leave the kopitiam. Just mentioning if not later when I mention her name, people would start wondering did she fall from the sky or something.

(Darn I am starting to get lazy)

Anyways, I think the girls camwhored on the monorail, as they would do so when we are heading back to sentosa later. Either way, when we reached sentosa, we had 2 dilemmas facing us.

1) Which beach to go? We went Palawan in the end after like 15 min of deliberation.
2) What to do?

The 2nd part was answered by Charisse saying she wanted to build a sandcastle, and Aaron eagerly jumping up to the challenge. So we begin our majestic project, in which most of us were quite pessimistic about it succeeding at first. It succeeded due to Aaron's "good" engineering skills, but more so because the tide receded. It had plenty of features which I shall neglect to mention, cos doing so would be beyond what words can describe. So go to my facebook and look at the photos. Left our mark by inscribing the words RMUN in the "lawn" of the sandcastle. Gotta admit sandcastle building is quite a good icebreaker. Or maybe it is just the commandeering Aaron.

Took some pictures. Liki came and had to wreck the castle. Oh before that, Aaron was chasing Charisse around, threatening to throw a ball of sand at her, for her throwing sand at him. The fact that Liki came probably made Aaron gave Charisse some face. At the same time, Abi and Mag were sitting on some random rock at some offshore island doing.. I don't know what.

Shawn came with the cakes; Pearl went to fetch him. And they returned with alot of packets of tissues. More than those aunties who sell them at hawkwer center or something. So we celebrated birthday for the 2 birthday girls, Abi and Charisse, whose birthday are coming soon. Chocolate cake was nice, but we pretty messed up the table after that. Though we did clean it up at the end of the day; and the birthday girls had this nonchalant look on their faces about the mess =D

After that. Terror no.2 begin. The dunking session. Terence got dunked by Liki and Shawn first... Then I got dunked by Terence. Then we stared and the girls, and they knew something was not right. So they linked their hands up together, and like hugged around a tree, like some bollywood show or something. Either way, Shawn was happily jabbing them. We admit, we lag the will power to just drag you girls off and dunk. So we were nice, went back and played cards. So at that moment, some little kids came and wreck a portion of the sand castle. (This reminds me to say that although the imba castle could restood waves, it cannot restand a measly 3 yr old kid) So it was the perfect excuse to get close to the water and rebuild the sandcastle. The girls were suspicious at first, but after sometime, they loosened up and came closer to the water. The perfect chance came for Liki (OK I am assuming the info on Terence blog is correct since this scene happened so fast) to dunk Charisse into the water when the latter tried to push Terence into the water. What a bait. Ok. Victim number 1.

Victim number 2 was absolute... Pure fun. Terence walks up behind the girls with no malice. Then Shawn unleashed the weapon of mass destruction by walking up and say "Hi Terence" This sent the girls running helter skelter, except for Abigail who backed into Terence. The result? Shawn, Liki and me dunked her rather easily. Victim number 2 down. The epitome of divide and conquer.

Pearl and Mag refused to be dunked. And they sat close to each other, while I got bored and started drawing a circle in the sand around them like some summoning circle. We didn't have much luck. So Shawn agreed to be dunked, then dunk the other 2 girls. Hilarity ensues when they failed dunking Shawn and got dunked themselves. Finally, the director himself must get dunked. He does so willingly after a struggle. Liki didn't let Aaron boost his own ego and dunked him before he could finish his sentence.

With all wet, we went play freeze and melt in the water. And burying Shawn in sand at the end of the day. Went back to vivo, met E Yang who is Terence's friend. Dinner at Carl's Jr. Then lazing at the structure at 2nd floor, before going to arcade at Terence's insistence to see Aaron para para again.

Ok as you can see, the last part was truncated cos I am too lazy to blog further. Thanks for a wonderful day everyone!

2008-09-03T01:13:00.002+08:00

EHS test in about 9 hours time... at 11am. Apprehensive. Can't get more than 9 wrongs out of 60 mcq questions.

If I even have the slightest inkling that I got more than 9 wrong and that I probably will have to resit for 2 days training and the test again, I probably won't go for the outing on Thursday and spoil the mood.

Already I feel apprehensive about going, but that's maybe cos of my character and personal reasons.

Weird dream

2008-08-31T13:23:00.002+08:00

Had a weird dream of which I shall neglect to elaborate on the details.

Although it may be a seemingly normal dream and can physically happen in reality, I say it is just weird cos it totally contradicts with my everyday actions and my personality. What I will not do in reality, I did them all in my dreams. And no, they are perfectly legal actions. It just feels weird =s

Some people need a brain, literally.

2008-08-30T18:56:00.002+08:00

"I was watching inconvenient truth the other day and theres the bit where it shows the sea level rising really high and flooding most of the world. Well i live near the sea, and don’t want to drown, so i got to thinking. Maybe if we lower the sea level a bit, when the water level rises then it won’t rise high enough to flood.

Anyway, heres the plan. Everyone who can should take a bucket of sea water and pour it down the sink. If lots of people put the effort in, we could lower the sea level substantially and create a better world for our children to live"

-As seen on failblog.org-

*Palms face* *Rolling On Floor Laughing* *Laughing My Ass Off*

It's just so hilarous. Just gotta post it.

Of grades, teacher's day and nokia N85

2008-08-29T14:28:00.005+08:00

So I did really fail the physics EM spec test, but it was expected =( Got a couple more test results. Some of there were above what I expected to get, but still below my standard -.-

I swear I totally hate mcq questions for maths, along with my carelessness. Each mcq wrong not only lose 1 mark, minus extra 1/4 mark, and of the 6 wrong which I got, 4 were carelessness. My open ended was full marks like wth -.- History was not too bad, but I ran out of time, so although I got higher than what I expected, it is lower than my standard I reckon.

Grades aside, today was teacher's day celebration. Nothing as fanciful as last year's which was held at the bird park, but simplicity ain't too bad either. I find using the theme of Wizard of Oz interesting though. Rofl, yellow brick road. Why didn't they sing Eminem's "Yellow brick road" awww lol.

Teacher's day and grades aside, when I came home and clicked The Awsomer website, the chio picture of Nokia N85 greeted me. Got me hooked oggling for 30min =x I think it will be expensive though =(

Mehs. How come the buttons in pic 1 and 3 are diff when the layout seems the same.

Confounded

2008-08-26T21:48:00.003+08:00

So I flunked my last test of this term, and along with it, all hopes of salvaging anything academically. But hearing what one teacher said, just makes me feel that I have been smoking my way through in NUS High. Probably it does work, and probably it does produce grades I want. But the question is, whether will I get the results I want in the future? Or maybe a better question is what I want in the future? Cos I really don't know.

I am very confounded, very drained.

The teachers say we need to focus, and I feel like cutting the world out once again, isolating myself.
I don't want to do that, but I'm succumbing, but maybe this time I will be stronger to resist.

><

2008-08-25T19:03:00.001+08:00

Stupid physics test got postponed to tomorrow, cos the teachers had some last minute meeting. I just want to get it over and done.

And I heard it is a killer paper =x

(Why do I smell satay? Makes me feel hungry)

Win -.-

2008-08-24T02:00:00.002+08:00

On the 2008 Summer Olympics' program Today in Beijing yesterday since it is like 2am now.

Mark Richmond: "and they are going for..."

Jade Seah: "...gold"

Mark Richmond: "that's one 4 letter word you can use"

That got me laughing for one minute straight, no joke. For those of you who are in the dark, Jade Seah uttered the f-word accidentally while on air, live, during the broadcast of the show a few days ago. I mean, Mark Richmond shouldn't have brought that up, but still... Rofl.